My Calling
As I continue to process the impact of this book, I realize it has likely become part of the reason the number of entries have dramatically declined on this blog. For the past four years (actually, more technically since I was 12) I was driven by the question of “Why? Why can’t I be myself? What IS IT?” This question was the driving force behind blogging, a medium where I didn’t need to hear to express myself. I wanted to figure it out. Intellectually I had many of the answers, but in my heart I did not know it yet.
I believed if I tried hard enough, I would have a hearing person’s experience. I believed I was OWED a hearing person’s experience. I believed someday, in the right time with the right people, I would HAVE a hearing experience. Otherwise known as “being able to be and express myself” in social situations- just like everyone else I knew. With these beliefs so firmly a part of me, the recurring patterns that happened in every social experience I encountered became inexplicable, torturous and full of injustice.
Inevitably it was either:
- I am a silent outside observer, stuck and unable to speak or join in.
or
- I make a friend. Then a third (or more) person(s) joins in and start talking. I drop out of the conversation like a boulder, no longer able to participate like I want to.
- Then, I watch helplessly as the friend and newcomer seem to, in a matter of minutes, become much closer to each other than they ever will to me. Their easy access to communication rapidly creates social experiences and bonds that will surely surpass and replace me.
- Helplessness, resentment, jealousy, despair creates even greater distance from the hard-won friend.
- Nobody seems to notice.
Not to say that this was reality, but it was definitely my perception and my reality. Since I didn’t believe that it is an inevitable side effect of hearing loss, I took it personally. I didn’t understand the experience and I didn’t have the words. Anger and resentment became misdirected. I wasn’t even in touch with how much I was pretending, how much I was mimicking the body language and facial expressions of others to appear like I was actually following the conversation.
With acceptance- I will NEVER have a hearing person’s experience- comes words. Now I have choices. I can make disclaimers. I can say outright that I have a dichotomous life. I may appear a certain way in most social situations, but it is not who I really am. Get to know me one on one, or you won’t know me at all. I AM NOT QUIET.
More than once I have heard that it is actually “easier” to be completely deaf than it is to be hard of hearing. With deafness comes a culture whose language gives you complete 100% ease of communication and socialization without strain or stress or getting left out. During dinner, Gina encouraged me to try the ASL language camps or the Phd Psychology program at Gallaudet. Similarly, a week earlier a colleague tells me about the astonishing lack of services for those with hearing loss in Vermont. There are no therapists who know sign language and certainly none who truly know what it is like to not hear in a hearing world.
I begin to see where my life is headed.
7 Comments »
Oct 31st 2007Hearing loss
mg on 31 Oct 2007 at 7:23 pm #
YES. YES. And again, I say, YES !!!
Mr. Sandman on 31 Oct 2007 at 8:09 pm #
You’re not alone– there are tons of us who have had similar experiences, have the same feelings, frustrations, etc. Being in the middle is a lot harder than it looks, and I think neither the Deaf nor the hearing community give the hard-of-hearing/late-deafened any credit for trying to be who they are and having to do a balancing act, all the while trying to figure out who they are and where they belong.
Good luck in deciding your own path in life and DO seek out support.
Susan Derby on 31 Oct 2007 at 8:44 pm #
How awesome!! Good for you, Sarah! Don’t stop listening to where life is steering you. This is so, so exciting!
You go, Girl!
Love, Aunt Susan
megan on 31 Oct 2007 at 11:22 pm #
I have had similar experience. I can understand your feeling. I am not deaf born. I lost my hearing in a serious traffic accident. I was so scared. I even lost my voice. At first, I almost lost will to live. But, death is much direr. I chose to live. My family and I tried everything impossible, but I could not recover. The feeling is so bad. I cannot experience my thought, my feeling. Then I began to learn ASL. I can communicate with others. I also have my own blog (http://www.deafs.com/blog/megan) and write something there. I believe you can do much better than me. All of us should be in active attitude to our life. Good Luck!
Ann_C on 01 Nov 2007 at 7:13 am #
What you have described is an oral deaf’s limbo-land, ‘where do I belong?’ Mr. Sandman describes the experience as being in the middle. I understand what you have experienced, I’ve been there, too.
I was born profoundly deaf to hearing parents, trained oral, wear one HA, and was mainstreamed as the only deaf kid in public schools. As I began my 30’s I realized I could not be myself– there was all this faking to “blend” into the hearing world and it was exhausting, to boot! “Who am I, really?”– I didn’t know myself even, and that question really hit me between the eyes, it was so depressing. It’s been a long road to knowing myself, but I have been more assertive with my hearing family by reminding them that they’ve never been in my shoes to know what the faking is like and what that does to your psyche. I know I paid the price of a “social misfit” for a good education, despite my parents’ best intentions.
To be yourself means you have to believe in yourself and to be honest with yourself. I’ve found that being honest with myself is the harder of the two, having been immersed in the hearing world for a lifetime. That little voice in the back of your head? That’s your “I”– that little voice that says “Why can’t I be myself?” When you hear, or rather, shall I say “sense”it, pay attention to it.
Yes, being in the middle is a lot harder than it looks, and neither the hearing or the culturally Deaf understand/ appreciate any of the hard work it took to acquire speech, as in my case and many others, and lipreading skills. But being in the middle puts you in a unique position, as difficult as it may be– it’s a part of your journey. Remember that you’re not alone here, and good luck!
Karen Putz on 04 Nov 2007 at 9:05 pm #
I’m sure you had a wonderful time talking with Gina!
One of the best things about this whole journey is the awareness and the learning. There’s a lot of us “in the middle.” Mark Drolsbaugh wrote a book, “On the Fence,” and you might enjoy reading that too.
Sarah on 09 Nov 2007 at 9:13 pm #
Thank you all for your support and for sharing your experiences (: