Ha. Well, some days it might seem easy to put the baby in a sling and get stuff done or go places. Other days, like today, I consider it a victory that I got dressed!
I’m in bed with the baby, it is after 2 am. (Although I think this entry will indicate a different time and date because I initially started this entry hours ago.) I only got as far as washing my face and flossing my teeth. At some point I hope to grab the opportunity to run back to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I think this is the biggest surprise to me, how continuously I am tied to Emmy. I can’t even hand her off to Steve for very long. I realize that I had imagined us sharing very similar roles and taking turns with her throughout the day and night. However, it just does not work that way at this point.
In the scheme of things, this time is fleeting. I imagine every age has its pros and cons. Everyone who has been through it tells you childbirth is painful and life with a newborn takes adjustment and enjoy sleep while you can and that kind of thing. Even when I heard all that, a part of me thought I could outthink and outgut my way through. Sometimes though, it IS painful or stressful or overwhelming just like they say it will be. I’m not complaining though, I’m acknowledging this part of the experience.
In a way, just being with Emmy is similar to meditating. You are sitting and just being. A part of you starts thinking “I should be doing something.” What I am doing is incredibly important- taking care of my baby- even if I haven’t showered yet and I don’t know what day it is and I must have been sitting in this one place for hours and hours. Regardless, the mind starts thinking that I should be more “productive” somehow, which can lead to a somewhat stir crazy, glued down feeling.
This is a time to just be present and not wander away with my thoughts, especially the ones that start with “you should”. The more present I am, the less anxious I will be. The less anxiety or self-induced distraction I have, the more connected I will be to Emmy and the moment. The less anxiety I have, the happier Emmy will be. Just be!
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