After Emmy was born, we were taken to another floor to stay in the mother baby unit. Even though I had an hour’s sleep the night before and had just done what felt like the equivalent of five marathons, I was much too fascinated with Emmy to sleep. I just looked and looked at her, listening to her sighs and other noises that sounded like a little bird or kitten. I thought newborns just cried, but she had all these other sounds. I could not stop watching the wide range of facial expressions that would pass over her face in a matter of seconds.
The moments felt so vulnerable, so fleeting. I found myself racing ahead into the future, making it seem like her existence as a newborn would barely last another minute. Soon she would be walking, talking, moving away from us, leaving us. Not only was it fleeting, but all kinds of horrible things could happen, she seemed too fragile for something bad to not happen. I soon realized this was my mind’s way of trying to cope with the anxiety of already loving her this much. I was trying to distance myself from the full impact, from the moment itself.
We went home on Sunday the 16th. It was surprisingly emotional to leave the hospital and the layer of protection they provided. How surreal that they let this baby go home with us. Two of us arrived at the hospital and now we were leaving with another human being.
I suppose the emotions hit their peak when I went into the pharmacy and was wandering around uselessly looking for the tylenol. I stood at the pharmacy desk to ask where it was, and it hit me then. I wanted to burst into tears and shriek WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TYLENOL!!? Of course, I didn’t. I was my usual calm self. I found and purchased the tylenol.
My Mom was there when we got home and she had meals for us and the house was clean. Emmy was home.
What a week it has been since then. I came down with a fever Wednesday night, went to the ER Thursday evening, where we waited for 11 hours. They finally admitted me early Friday morning with a case of endometritis (infection in the uterus) and I was there until Sunday. Steve’s mom stayed with me during the nights (have I mentioned how indispensable moms are?) and Steve was there during the days while Billie went home to take care of Lucky. Emmy was able to stay with me the whole time.
So on Sunday the 23rd we came home again. I felt like a whole new being. Pain free and body feeling near normal. Still sleep deprived of course! (:
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