The 8th Nerve

I had no idea that babies kick and squirm so much during pregnancy. I guess in observing any pregnant woman from the outside, her belly always looks like a static basketball. I thought kicking and punching was pretty sporadic, boy was I wrong. There is so much more fluidity and movement than I expected. I’m surprised that a little arm doesn’t bust out and start waving wildly. Sometimes it is especially incessant as if she is saying “Change your position so I can get comfortable!” “Bring me apple slices with peanut butter!”

The other night the kicking kept me up from about 3 am to 5am. So I lay there getting pummeled and randomly thinking about how nice a cold refreshing beverage of coke would be. And I thought the disrupted sleep wouldn’t happen until after birth!

Names continue to elude us. I want that perfect name, not too common but not so unusual that people don’t know how to pronounce or spell it. A name that intrigues because it is unique, but also a name that is down to earth. A name that isn’t too feminine, princessy, high maintenance or sorority girl. I bet I just sealed my fate by saying that. Regardless of her name, twenty years from now she be calling Daddy from college to ask if he will pay for her boob job. And Mom will have a cerebral hemorrhage.

She’s nearly a foot long! Like a sub. I feel the weight of it more, especially when walking uphill. The freakish 83 degree weather the other day was torturous. I discovered that the car’s air conditioning no longer works. So I drove for an hour in hot blowing air and it took forever to cool down after that, much longer than usual, and drained all my energy with it too. Baby is 15 pound insulation and growing all the time.

Steve and I had another snacks while you sleep moment in the other day. We were watching 30 Rock and Tina Fey was lying at home on a couch in a slanket, slicing and eating cheese. She says in singsong voice, while cutting a slice, “Working on my night cheese!” We were dying. Apparently it is the twist on some song, which I wouldn’t know, but it was still the funniest one liner I’ve ever seen on tv. I guess you had to be there!

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Apr 29th 2009Everyday life & pregnancy

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Apr 21st 2009Uncategorized

I’ve been writing in this blog since March 2003 and just got my first fairly negative comment the other day! “Bo-ring” tells me that “finding out the sex is so unoriginal.” The other option, waiting until birth, isn’t particularly original either as people have been doing that for thousands and thousands of years. I’m forced to conclude that there must be some other original means of finding out. Waving a silver spoon over my belly perhaps. Consulting with the gods and visiting a medicine man. Better yet! have Steve look up there with a flashlight.

We have three strollers now, thanks to Craigslist. (All three in great condition for less than the price of one stroller brand new! Have I told you how much I love Craigslist?) How did that ever even happen? I knew I needed a regular umbrella stroller and a jogging stroller because I want to get back into running after the baby is born (I miss it, especially this time of year! I know, I know you saw Charlotte running while she was pregnant on Sex and the City: The movie so it must be ok.  I’m telling you, I feel weird and physically uncomfortable when I try to run while pregnant though.)

But wait, two strollers is not enough. Apparently there is this other contraption known as the car seat stroller which is especially handy during the first year. And if I get the JJ Cole Bundle Me for the winter months, which friends of ours told us is an absolute necessity, I’m not going to want to take the baby out of that to transfer to a regular stroller during the winter months… So it begins. We already need a bigger car, for both baby and dog, and it won’t be long before we need a bigger HOUSE. For all our strollers.

By the way, pink frilly stuff for girl babies is out of control. I. hate. it.

Spring break is this week. I have been getting caught up on paperwork at work and organizing closets at home. Not exactly girls gone wild but…

Will try to get a 23 week pic of me up soon.

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Apr 20th 2009Everyday life & Introspection & pregnancy

What? I didn’t do an entry about week 21? I’m coining the term right now. Preggers fog brain. It is real.

Last week was the week that people all the sudden noticed. I literally went from no one noticing at all whatsover to coworkers hugging me in the hallways and cashiers ringing up my produce and asking me when I’m due. All the sudden the belly is there. The baby is kicking and moving at regular intervals throughout the day; an internal, sacred rhythm of her existence. I will miss that when she’s born.

On Anger

I had two quotes but thanks to preggers fog brain I can only paraphrase them inadequately, nor can I recall book titles and authors. One is this premise: if you wish to go on thinking that you are a nice person, don’t have children. The other is this: by the time we are adults, most of us have accumulated a fair amount of anger.

We all know people who are so angry that their behaviors, words, body language and facial expression mostly consists of anger. But I’m really referring to all the nice people out there who bring a pleasant face and sense of humor to work and social gatherings and avoid confrontation whenever possible but then in the privacy of their home get into a funk and vent at their significant other. Or drink a lot or eat a lot of chocolate or whatever.

We have stores of anger. Where does it come from? From daily suppressive accommodation to today’s world? From deeper disconnection from others and our selves? Unmet needs, unresolved issues, past hurts, unfulfilled wishes, the frustrations of everyday life. The pile of junk mail that never goes away. From wherever it comes, anger or negativity periodically surfaces in the privacy of our homes. We can still keep it fairly civil most of the time, even when we pout and bicker and ruminate. We can still believe we are generally nice people.

Having a child in the picture is another story. He or she has an innate talent for pushing buttons, especially the forgotten ones from your own childhood, and releasing that anger. Not just a regular release either. It will build up, build up and then explode in fury like you had never thought yourself capable of experiencing. I’m nervous about that part of motherhood.

I don’t want screaming in my face or being helplessly manipulated by a 3 year old that won’t listen and gleefully exerts her will. I’ll catch that smirk on her face and the top of my head will blow off like Mt St Helens. The 3 year old in me will rise up and say I WILL GET MY WAY NO MATTER WHAT. I thought I was sane. I thought I was a gentle human being. Wrong!

How does one work through anger so that when a child pushes those buttons, there is no pent up fury? For me personally anger is the most difficult emotion to comfortably work through. It stays in its stores and cycles from time to time, in moods and peeving thoughts that cause me to ruminate about various things that really have nothing to do with why the anger is there.

The purpose of the thoughts is just to keep anger fueled, without addressing the source. Since anger is a secondary emotion, other emotions lie at the source. All the lovely hormonal changes of late seem to bring about a rhythm of occasional internal seething. All the emotions are being cycled out of their stores and intensified.

Unlike most other emotions, I really don’t know what is the most therapeutic way for me to address and release anger. Go in the woods and scream? Meditate, sit with it and release it? Learn “techniques” like counting to 10 and breathing? A lot of it I think is rooted in my perspective. Consistent cognitive restructuring and thought stopping is needed to reroute my perspective. Heightened awareness of the direction and content of thoughts and replacement with compassion and counting of blessings. Taking action to work through things or to achieve what I want in life. Anger that is properly channeled brings energy and purpose, rather than going back into stores only to come out some other time.

When you’re about to have a child, this inner work is even more important. Maybe these are the lessons inherent in the emotional havoc of pregnancy, as opposed to just chalking it up as a byproduct of hormones gone awry.

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Apr 14th 2009Introspection & pregnancy

Apparently 20 weeks is the halfway point! I thought I passed the halfway point like two weeks ago. Geez it takes a long time. I was just looking at images of 20 weeks ultrasounds online and it is cool to see how unique the baby’s profile is in each ultrasound. I guess it is easy to think that all babies look alike at that point in development, but they really don’t.

This has been the week for starting to gather stuff in earnest, while attempting to keep a grip on what one REALLY needs for a baby.  There’s so much stuff out there that looks cool or they make it seem like it will make your life so much more convenient or baby won’t be happy without one of these…  Must keep it in perspective and always keep a watchful eye on Craigslist, that’s my new motto.  I’m getting fantastic stuff in great condition for a fraction of the cost off there.

I have been feeling the movements and kicks regularly.  Every time I tell Steve he puts his hand on my belly as quickly as he can and tries to feel but it’s too late.  He is really disappointed each time, feeling like he was missing out on part of the experience.   Last night he made a “pooch music mix” and put the headphones on my belly along with his hand.  During the first song I thought I felt some movement but he didn’t feel it.

Then the Superman theme song kicked in and she started rocking it like a mexican jumping bean.  Steve’s eyes widened in amazement and as soon as I saw him feel it I had the bizarre experience of not feeling like I was crying but tears were going out of both eyes, which seemed to have simultaneously sprung a leak like garden hoses.   So we’re lying there, headphones and hands on the belly, I’m smiling calmly and tears are rolling down my cheeks while I feel her kicking against Steve’s hand.  Welcome to the pregnant experience!

Baby likes Superman, definitely Steve’s daughter in there!

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Apr 5th 2009pregnancy