We had the ultrasound yesterday and it was an amazing, amazing experience. It was just incredible to see her head, hands, feet, arms, legs, belly and face! We saw her kicking, squirming, opening and closing her mouth, and having hiccups. Everything looks healthy and on track. She had her legs crossed and even when the tech poked her with the wand she wouldn’t uncross them. We thought we might have to go home without knowing, which would have driven me nuts! Then I got up and moved around and jumped up and down. When we tried the ultrasound again, her legs were uncrossed. A girl!
We were amazed. We were both leaning toward thinking it was a boy, maybe because we both only have brothers and are more familiar with boys. After the ultrasound I saw myself in the mirror and I was already seeing myself differently, as the mother of a daughter. Somehow, I feel like having a son would have confirmed my expectations about myself but having a daughter means I will transform them. I’m going to be different than I thought I was.
Already I feel new responsibility. If we had a boy, all he would probably need to do in order to become a decent man is to spend time with Steve, building tree houses and pinewood derby cars. Of course, our girl will do the same, and she will have wonderful sense of self and relationships with others because she has a father like Steve. But she may have challenges that even unconditional parental support and role modeling can’t overcome.
I want to spare her the color pink, queen bees, and society’s scrutiny. I want to spare her the years where most whole girls disappear into the partial twilight of uncertainty and doubt. Fixated and insecure about appearance and self-worth, they spend long years finding it infinitely more challenging to become a whole person. I want her to know in her heart that she is good enough to do and be anything she wants with self-assurance and acceptance. It will be time for me to overcome anxiety in more permanent ways so that I can be the role model of confidence and positive self-esteem that she will sorely need in order to be herself.
After the ultrasound, I was in a daze. What an earth shattering, life changing experience. The last time I felt this way was when Steve proposed. We went downtown, had lunch and called the grandparents-to-be and sent out texts to everyone we knew. We went to Kids Town and bought a crib mattress. This is for real. I can’t wait to hold her.