The 8th Nerve

Blissful one minute, anxious the next, welcome to pregnancy! Most the time though I’d say I have a dose of “what will be, will be” and try not to overly stress about any one thing.

Ugh, this annoying WordPress has centered all the writing and I can’t get it to align to the left!

I’m beginning to realize that the various summaries of the state of growth of the baby week by week doesn’t always quite match up. Some attribute different milestones to different weeks, many differ on what week the embryo becomes a fetus.

Apparently now my fig is doing a lot of graceful water ballet (even though I can’t feel it yet) and can fit in the palm of my hand.

It has gradually dawned on me that although Steve is in this with me, he’s not undergoing all the physical and emotional changes (although some studies show that certain hormones in men may change to mirror their pregnant wife). So I find myself sometimes expecting him to subtly accommodate me in a stroking my hair and reassuring me kind of way and he looks at me in confusion like “What? I’m doing what I always do…?” The dancing fig in my uterus demands that you stroke my hair, don’t ask!

Big snowstorm coming tomorrow!

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Jan 27th 2009pregnancy

The vivid, detailed dreams continue on a nightly basis.  I should start writing them down.

I don’t think I’ve had to juggle remembering so many different things with the vaguely anxiety provoking feeling that if I don’t do it myself or the baby will be affected.  Must eat healthy!  Seven to eight serving of fruit a day!  Where do I even get that many servings of fruit and still have room for all the vegetables, grains and glasses of water I’m supposed to be consuming?  Oh and one day I forgot about deli meat and ate a turkey sandwich!  Panicky internet researching of listeria ensued!

That’s not all.  There’s much more!  Books are recommending that I apply lotion and wear a bra at night and do 100 Kegels a day.  You don’t want to be the stretch marked post-pregnancy lady with her boobs resting on her belly button, peeing herself every time she sneezes do you?!

Ugh, I don’t want to wear a bra at night.    I keep forgetting to do my Kegels and even when I remember I only do about five before I forget again.  I’ve also been trying to be more meditative, find my spiritual center and all that, but this decision to remind myself to do this came at the same time as I started doing the Kegels.  So now I remember both at the same time.  Do Kegels…find your spiritual center…relax…breathe in…oh wait, do Kegels… oh wait, breathe out… ohm, but…  Then I start thinking about Doritos.

Oh, the whole hospital/midwife, natural versus epidural decision making.  There are convincing arguments for either side.  Personally the thought of an enormous needle in my spine scares me more than the pain of birth.  I’d rather confront the pain and go with it than be worrying about when that needle is going to come for me.

On the bright side, I now have spectacular burping talent.

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Jan 26th 2009pregnancy

Good grief, I am looking at 10 week pregnancy images and most of the women’s belly shots are still pretty much flat (unless they have been pregnant before.) My belly, on the other hand, is doubled in size. I wonder if it is because I haven’t had morning sickness and I’m not throwing everything back up.  Every time I look down at the belly, I think with a Scottish accent: “That’s not my belleh!” Why a Scottish accent? I must be thinking of Mike Myer’s character from Austin Powers. I really need to get an ultrasound to see what’s is going on in there (!)

Fetus is now nearly a kumquat. It is just over an inch long and all the organs will finish forming this week.

Besides the physical changes, the emotional ones are pretty fascinating as well. In my pre-pregnancy I had gotten pretty good at balancing emotional reactions versus logical and intellectual thinking. These days, instinctive reactions and emotional responses are more powerful. Steve’s hugs feel even more amazing. A cathedral of trees and the silence of the snow holds an exquisite stillness. The nesting instinct rages. Some things that didn’t bother me as much before now do.

My dreams are ridiculously detailed and vivid. My intuition is heightened. What may have been an inner prompting that could sometimes be easily ignored is now an expansion of the insides, a knowing that fills the mind. I swear I’m not making this up.

No pregnancy crying fits yet though, like they talk about. Obama’s inauguration speech, however, did bring tears to my eyes. Yay for America.

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Jan 20th 2009Uncategorized & pregnancy

Lots of crazy cravings for milk this week.  Moo.

For some reason the internet doesn’t have any good images for the 9th week.

The last couple of days I’ve been feeling a new kind of twinge that I swear is my uterus stretching.  Fetus is getting ready to grow.

I think it is beginning to dawn on me that this process TAKES a while.  I’m a little disappointed with week 9.  Fetus is still only the size of a grape?  Fetus still looks like an alien?  Summer and newborn seems a long way off.

I had my first baby dream.  It took my dreaming brain a while to catch up.  First there were generalized anxiety dreams, then I dreamed I got a puppy.  Close but not quite!  A couple nights ago I dreamed I had a boy AND a girl.  The experience of holding them (individually but never together in the same room, kind of like Clark Kent and Superman, in this dream) was very vivid and real.  Since I don’t know yet whether I’m having a boy or a girl, I think the dream just used both.

I’m trying not to get down on myself for feeling so lazy sometimes.  Exercise (besides walking the dog), paperwork, housework…not so much of that going on these days.  Pretty much every pregnancy book I read (currently I am reading four at the same time) says to sleep as much as you can, relax and enjoy it because when the baby comes you’ll be busy!  You won’t sleep ever again!  A bubble bath will be a distant memory as you wallow in your own filth! They always add that last tidbit cheerfully.

Time to get back to all my overdue paperwork.  I think Steve is going to get our furnace fixed just in the time for the arctic front.

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Jan 13th 2009pregnancy

you spend your commutes fantasizing about what you’re going to eat as soon you get home while resisting the urge to wildly turn into the nearest gas station so you can get food THAT much sooner.

My pants felt too tight at the waist today and it was uncomfortable sitting down on the floor with the kids. At one point my diaphragm cramped. The muscle! It CRAMPED. I never knew it could cramp and it hurt!!

Geez I’m only 8 weeks along. Chances are I’m having a Steve-sized baby.

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Jan 9th 2009pregnancy

I think finding a baby name is going to be harder than I thought it would.  Every time I come across a name that I think would be great because it seems distinctive, unusual but not so unusual that no one would know how to pronounce or spell it,  the name turns out to be on the top 25 baby names of 2008!!  I can’t believe it.   There must be some sort of collective unconscious when it comes to baby name trends and somehow the names seep in into your brain even if you don’t know a single baby with that particular name.   I don’t want to give a name that is in the top 25!  Trying to go for some originality here.

It also seems to be a trend to take a cool boy’s name and give it to a girl, so much to the point that to give a boy that name risks sticking him with a perceived feminine name for the rest of his life.  This is going to take some doing but we’ll figure something out!

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Jan 8th 2009pregnancy

Weird. I’ve never entertained the idea of marriage being difficult. It’s generally so effortless  (in the sense that when I make the effort it doesn’t feel like effort) and supportive I don’t even think about it. Guess that might mean parenthood will bite me in the ass!

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Jan 7th 2009Uncategorized

Anxiety dreams by the forklift! Recent dreams include: being on a raft with Steve and heading toward wild water, standing on the edge of a cliff and preparing to jump into the water way, way below (and not knowing if it is deep enough to survive the jump), and being part of a mountain climb and getting left behind because we were not prepared and didn’t have what we needed (but getting ready to do it anyway, whatever we may have to endure).

Yay for a snow day today. I got nearly 12 hours of sleep! This was especially welcome because the night before I woke up at 2:30 to pee and then could not get back to sleep for HOURS.

This line from a pregnancy book annoys me: “Every time you lift a fork to your mouth think about the baby. Is it good for the baby? If it isn’t, put the fork DOWN.” This book makes it sound like the baby will have two heads if I have a cookie or some ice cream. The cravings are unbelievable and everything is so goooood. Don’t guilt trip the pregnant lady!

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Jan 7th 2009pregnancy

Wow, would you look at that:

 Amazing.  Apparently the embryo is moving and shifting a lot.  The tail is gone and the lungs and neural pathways are developing.

 The weeks seem to be flying by.   We spent the weekend in Springfield filming the final scenes for the movie, complete with portals to another dimension and floating barbed collars for invisible monsters.  I’ve never seen a group of people work so hard for so long.  I was lucky that I could opt out whenever I needed a nap.  Everyone else got very little sleep.

We were in an old and massive abandoned factory building.  The peeling paint in the periphery was enough to start me worrying about exposure to lead dust and by the time I got home the worry erupted into massive paranoia.  I fret despite reassurances from everyone that as long I wasn’t licking the walls and eating paint chips I should be fine.  I called the doctor and she also said there isn’t a significant concern but I could come in and get my blood tested if I want to.  I may need to just to fully put my fear at rest.

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Jan 5th 2009pregnancy

Basically pregnancy intensifies all my moods and needs, ten fold. When I’m hungry, I’m not just hungry I’M STARVING and if I’m not fed this instant I will rip your head off. When I’m tired, I’M EXHAUSTED and I want a soft blanket or I will rip your head off. I’m all cranky and then happy as a lark when I’ve had a nap and food. It’s like I’m in kindergarten again. I have to go work full time next week? How will I get my nap? My snack?

No nausea though! That’s good. Tomorrow we have our first prenatal appointment. Then we head to Springfield VT to finish shooting Steve and co.’s second movie. Happy New Year!

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Jan 2nd 2009pregnancy