The 8th Nerve

This is going to be the week of goodbyes. This is hard for me. I’d prefer to slip out the back door unnoticed if I could. I wrap up my job, clear out my desk by Friday. Then I go on vacation, then I start the new job I’ve always wanted.

I’ve never been one to have long term goals or concrete, specific dreams about career or money or family. I had vague goals- find love, get my degree, eventually be able to practice that degree. That’s it. I meandered my way through my 20s, really, when I look back on it. Five jobs and two internships. A wedding, two cats and one dog. Two apartments, a condo, and a house. This job I’m starting in a few weeks has always appealed to me, it really is the closest thing I’ve had to a specific dream for myself.

All of my vague goals have been met. For the first time, I’ve reached a place where I’ll likely to stick around for a number of years. All of my previous jobs were temporary steps, none of them what I wanted to do with my life long-term. I didn’t know specifically where I would move on, but I knew I would. So this is it! Funny, this tentative feeling, not quite daring to trust it. The fears that dangle and drop down when you achieve something you’ve always wanted is unexpected. All the same, I know this is where I want to be.

Maybe it is time to become more concrete. What else do I want to do with my life and when? What else would be fulfilling? Think big! Think impossible! You never know.

Image from www.nataliedee.com

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Jul 30th 2007Introspection

I received Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in the mail around noon on Saturday and at approximately 5pm today, I finished the last page. So fantastic. I will not say anything about it, no spoilers here I promise.

I think JK Rowling captures the psychology of childhood and coming of age in such a remarkable, ingenious way in her storytelling. I could go on and on about the symbolism, not just the larger picture of good and evil and being human, but in the dynamics between adults and children and between peers. The movies based upon the book can never effectively portray what she does so well in her descriptions of the range of emotional experience. She puts together scenes of grief and unspeakable evil with scenes that are inexplicably comforting and magical. I love her sense of humor too.

This weekend we also fit in a show at Higher Ground, rock star night in Best Western’s suite and midnight swimming in the pool, trip to Sandbar for more swimming and lying on the beach, and a BBQ tonight.

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Jul 22nd 2007Books & Introspection & Misc

I’m going to have to work on my technique so it doesn’t feel like I’m paddling entirely with my arms. Apparently you’re supposed to get your power from your torso.

Question (Dwight Shrute voice): Today is Monday. If I want to talk about this coming weekend, do I say “this weekend” or do I say “next weekend” ? If I say “this weekend” on a Monday or Tuesday, it feels like I am referring the past weekend we just had. But if I say “next weekend” on a Monday or Tuesday, it feels like I’m referring to the weekend after the coming weekend. I have no problems with this vernacular on a Thursday or Friday (”this weekend” clearly refers to the coming weekend and “next weekend” is the one after), but earlier in the week it never feels right.

Normally I wouldn’t really be discussing the weekend on a Monday or Tuesday anyway, but this? next? weekend is the Brewfest, which is worthy of discussing well in advance!

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Jul 16th 2007Misc & Pictures

I’m currently reading The Genesee Diary: Report from a Trappist Monastery by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I took home a pile of books from my grandmother’s and this was one of them. Inside is underlining and comments written in my mother’s handwriting. I find this book very comforting and it feels if an intellectual soul similar to my own has penned this diary. He too is on a search for authenticity, albeit in spiritual terms. He also wrestles with fascination with ideas and ability to talk about something versus truly experiencing or embodying those concepts. His time at the monastery helps him to work toward making that shift from talking about to being.

Nouwen writes: “Today I imagined my inner self as a place crowded with pins and needles. How could I receive anyone in my prayer when there is no real place for them to be free and relaxed? When I am still so full of preoccupations, jealousies, angry feelings, anyone who enters will get hurt. I had a very vivid realization that I must create some free space in my innermost self so that I may indeed invite others to enter and be healed. To pray for others means to offer others a hospitable place where I can really listen to their needs and pains. Compassion, therefore, calls for a self-scrutiny that can lead to inner gentleness.” p 145

From this, the center of one’s self can reach the center of another and create the space for a healing encounter. Nouwen talks about it in the context of prayer, but I believe he is describing the exact same experience so crucial to a helping relationship. Again the key concept- compassion towards one’s self must occur before one can be truly compassionate to others. Compassion creates gentleness, smoothing away the sharpness of self-criticism, anger and doubt.

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Jul 13th 2007Books & Introspection

The windshield wipers clear off every part of the windshield EXCEPT for the section directly in my line of vision.

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Jul 13th 2007I Peeved When

Jen: I’d smooch ya but not on the first date.

Me: Smooch my butt?

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Jul 13th 2007I Misheard When