The 8th Nerve

Damn, putting up a Halloween party was a lot more work than I expected, but it was worth it. We had a Magic Hat keg and cobwebs and blacklight and red light and jackolanterns and bubbling dry ice and various bones and a severed arm and plenty of food. I baked cookies and The Flash brought us mini-dogs, deviled eggs and meatballs. Best of all, we succeeded in convincing a group of individuals in their mid-20s to early 30s to dress up in costumes and rock it until 3 am.

We had ourselves an assemblage of superheroes, a few villians, a Jedi, a Ninja, a gangsta, a vampire, Jem of the Holograms, an undead couple, a walking towel, an aviation pilot from the ’20s, a gangster who was a x-country skier, an evil clown, an Egyptian, and me, a girl taking a bath. Wouldn’t it be obvious to you that someone wearing a laundry basket full of white balloons and rubber duckies sticking out was clearly partaking in a bubble bath sensation?

But let’s get right down to it. Seriously, who would you rather party with- this guy?

Or this guy?

Clearly we landed the better choice. Plus, Lucky wore a bowtie and cufflinks (which he quickly chewed off) as part of the “Strip N Dog” costume. We all thought he was cute but he didn’t believe us. He felt…naked. The mockery, the shame.

I was never more grateful for the hour change than I was on Sunday, because we gained that extra hour to recuperate from the party. But now I can’t believe how dark it is by 5. That can’t be right.

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Oct 30th 2006Friends & Pictures

Felix is here!

No actually, not that one. This Felix.

Felix of the cool hair is here from Germany. He is the only person who can get Steve to tolerate shopping for longer than I can.

A lot of cold rain lately. And a freaky snow storm one night that bent the trees in our front yard over double.

You coming to our big Halloween bash on Saturday night?

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Oct 24th 2006Friends & Pictures

Thanks Eric! (:

How men screw up romance.

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Oct 19th 2006Misc

Well, after reading The Tao of Equus by Linda Kohanov, I’m never going to look at horses in the same way again. I happened to read the inside cover of this book while I was at PetSmart and since then I kept thinking of it and finally I ordered it online. While reading it, I was amazed at how it chronicled, in a different way, the essence of my grad school paper. The book is about one way of finding authenticity and how to live it. Authenticity requires fully experiencing and accepting the range of one’s thoughts and feelings and integrating modes of awareness.

The author argues that horses can be very sensitive barometer of authenticity and can work therapeutically to help riders get in touch with suppressed thoughts and feelings, as well as working through trauma. We can easily fool ourselves and others with our presentation or “mask”, but not a sensitive prey animal such as a horse.

She introduced concepts that I have been mulling on since, such as pre- and postconquest consciousness (a description of the concept can be found here) and nonlocal mind (one explanation here). I feel that the current environment of our culture, with its emphasis on appearance, science-as-god and logic, is incredibly detrimental, not only to the planet but to our own spirit. We are brutally confined and arrested in our development as human beings and suffering for it. The next step- authenticity- or integration of pre and postconquest consciousness- is so important. Feeling/intuition meets logic/reason, instead of one overruling the other.

I cannot say why I believe this so strongly, particularly when I feel so far from authenticity that I don’t know where or how to begin. Nothing inspires me more than reading about remarkable journeys of discovering new levels of awareness and ways of being as one develops psychologically and spiritually. Something about it rings so true and clearly that I wonder if what I was meant to do with my life has something to do with this. But again, how to begin, or how to ever someday make a living at it?

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Oct 17th 2006Books & Introspection

I am prone to what I think of as “anticipatory anxiety.” This means that Sunday nights are usually the worst night of the week, in terms of my mood. I anticipate the full brunt of the week ahead and feel vulnerable. The nature of my job is that there is no predicting what kind of week I am going to have.

Anticipatory anxiety is exactly that feeling you get at the doctor’s office when you know you have to get a tetanus booster. You are waiting in your gown, sitting on the little white slip of paper. You see them start to prepare, bringing out the supplies. They swab your arm with the cotton. Your palms start to get damp. A NEEDLE is about to go into your SKIN, and there will be BLOOD.

I am always in a great mood after I get a shot, giddy with relief, because it is NEVER as bad as I think it will be. It’s quick, and nearly painless. The worst part is the anticipation. I got my tetanus booster recently and I realized the moments spent anticipating that shot were quite similar to how I pre-experience areas of my life. I anticipate and fret, full of dread. I am overwhelmed with the prospect of being helpless and exposed to pain, but the actual experience is rarely like that.

I use up a lot of energy this way. I burn my own energy in this highly unproductive rumination. Why can’t I trust my previous experiences that have shown me time and time again that I am capable enough or okay enough? What is the worst case scenario that I dread? How do I turn this around so that I save my energy for those real moments and live fully in my present without anxious anticipation? I’d settle for just being able to cheerfully relax on Sunday nights.

Some might say that I am making myself a victim of my own thinking, that we always have a choice as to how we feel about stuff like this. Perhaps it is a matter of adjusting one’s attitude and actively planning an evening so that it is sure to be enjoyable. Or is that merely self-distraction? Whatever the case, I do want to break out of cyclic ruminating in moments of nameless dread. Being able to identify and name those moments is the first step.

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Oct 15th 2006Introspection

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Oct 10th 2006Pictures

This fall is turning into a spectacular display of color. I definitely need to get some hiking in this weekend. Last year it rained at this time for at least two weeks straight and then a fierce wind ripped all the leaves off the trees. There was no fall.

Lucky met his “cousin” Maggie. Actually, I suppose Maggie would be his “aunt.” It was love at first sight. Apparently Maggie cried all the next day after Lucky left.

When I returned from my weekend trip to New York and Cape Cod, the first thing I wanted to do with lie down on the floor with Lucky. He was so tired from his excursions with Maggie that he just looked soulfully into my eyes and sighed, his cheek flap flooping to the floor (the same cheek flap that fills up with air and blows back in a hysterical fashion when Lucky sticks his head out the window).

Wow, have I really turned into a dog person?

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Oct 3rd 2006Pets & Trips