Introspection, hearing loss, and everyday life.
“Place Van de Kamp’s frozen fish fillets in a single layer evenly distributed on a 4-sided baking pan.”
Crap, all I have is my triangular, five-dimensional baking pan! Does it HAVE to be 4-sided?
The car is packed up. I’m heading up to Morgan for the annual birthday bike ride, then to the cabin. See you in a week.
Aug 12th 2005Pictures & making fun
Recently, Steve and I went to a couple’s home for dinner. Steve wore his t-shirt that says “Taste like Chicken” and fittingly enough, we had chicken for dinner. We laughed a lot during the meal and at one point Steve acted like he got something down the wrong pipe or something.
On the way back in the car…
Steve: Actually, I was laughing so hard, I snorted chicken up my nose.
Me: Smells like chicken?
Regardless of what Steve has up his nose, he has been a very patient and practical presence during my irrational bout of raging against a period of transition, against being untethered, against the world seeming at times unfair and without purpose (likely a case of projection- what am I suddenly taking on the universe for?) Instead of saying “What are you, 8?” Steve solidifies and calms things that suddenly seem questionable and overemotional.
Maybe all the documentaries Steve and I have been watching about string theory and What the Bleep do we Know? et al in addition to not having a 9-4 routine to keep me preoccupied is having me question everything.
Or maybe I just need a job.
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Aug 10th 2005Everyday life
I don’t know.
Usually I’m inspired to write about something by now, four days after my last entry. My mood dipped below some sort of threshold last week, and not only was I in a funk, I was ANGERED. I felt both extremely restless and extremely unmotivated. I looked at my place, at the green trees and hills, and could not find a single ounce of appreciation for anything around me.
While in this state, my mind ruminated upon:
- the absolute senselessness and superficiality of American society and politics, bereft of meaning or connection. I wanted to scream it was NEVER MEANT to be this way.
- meaninglessness in general- why do we have to work so hard and for so long for ends that are often ultimately futile? why would anyone want to unless the work had SOME MEANING? What is the meaning and why are so few people in touch with it? And if you’re not in touch with it, at the very least, devote your life to doing something that is beneficial and kind and inspirational.
- people whose primary goal is to make as much money as they can for themselves, without much regard for improving anything besides the company’s bottom line and their own quality of life. WHY do some people have more money than they will EVER need? Why are people like this typically rewarded so much more than people who believe in dedicating their lives to helping or spirituality or personal fulfillment and creativity?
(Of course this is all relative, as I was strongly reminded when I watched the documentary Baraka. People who live in high rise slums in Brazil and root around in the landfill with their cattle could look at my life and say the same thing).
- all the stupid things I’ve ever said and done, as well as possibly some good and wise things I’ve done that while in this funk also seemed stupid and lousy.
- meaninglessness! nihilism! I’m so mad I’m going to drive to Rouses Point, New York and back in one afternoon! By myself! For no reason!
Then yesterday I seemed to snap out of its grip and a more relaxed and forgiving perspective returned. I need to meditate more or something, and practice curtailing my mind’s tendency to ruminate negatively and critically.
I also met up with someone from the tennis league and we hit back and forth for two hours. I have not done that in forever and it felt fantastic.
I go to the cabin in four days, none too soon.
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Aug 9th 2005I Peeved When & Introspection
I put in my notice at UPS this morning. I was not planning to put in my notice, but I had a realization during the course of the shift and knew I had to do something or else MY SPIRIT WOULD BE COMPLETELY ERODED. While processing packages and typing in codes and addresses in the data capture section, I realized that part of my attention was focused on the small can of Red Bull perched precariously next to the monitor. The can was nearly full and I did not want it to fall and spill. But it was more than just that.
I needed those small sips of the cold, carbonated, caffeineted beverage. My anticipation of each small sip was equivalent to my will to live, the will to continue on in the face of agonizing tedium and Angry Lady (who angrily shoves packages in my direction and I can feel her anger with each shove, making my insides clench in anxiety and frustration). If the beverage were to spill, I would not only be angry and utterly despair, I would probably have a breakdown. I would not be able to continue (in reality, I probably would) but it didn’t feel that way. It felt like I would cry and cry over spilt Red Bull.
I reasoned with myself. I looked at my own irrational fears of quitting or giving up, of disappointing the employers. I looked at my puritanical Chatterton side that said “work hard, don’t complain, and whatever you do, DO NOT WASTE MONEY on COBRA- wait til you have a new job”. Then I thought about what family members have been consistently pointing out to me- is money worth what this is doing to my state of mind?
I have been doing this for over a year. Enough.
UPS TOP TEN
10) Full health insurance and dental for both yourself and your spouse, paid 100% by UPS for part-time work. The benefits are outstanding- all employers should do this.
9) you will see more sunrises in a year than most people do in their lifetime.
Monthly breakfasts of egg, ham and cheese sandwiches or Dunkin Donuts spread that gives you a little content feeling while you chew, like a serf laboring under a benign overlord.
7) you will be able burn the number pad on the keyboard like YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.
6) you will know every zip code of every town and every address of every large business in the tri-county area. That knowledge MUST be good for something.
5) you will expand your ability to tolerate mind-numbing tedium to four hours.
4a) Knowledge that the gritty “*&@ me, I’m getting up at 4 am” feeling does not go away, no matter how early you go to bed the night before.
4b) Thereby rendering a fervent wish to be able to inject coffee directly, between your toes.
3) Alliterative names like “Mildred Meeks” and “Curtis Coontware” spotted on the packages.
2) Ideal candidacy for carpal tunnel syndrome.
And the top reason you should work at UPS-
1) Blank, confused expressions when you joke that working in D CAP (nickname for data capture) is like being in a sorority. You know? Like, I’m in D CAPPA CAPPA CAPPA, y’all!
As I drove towards home, at an intersection in the urbanized section of the inner circle of retail hell in Willistion, I saw three- THREE- young, bone thin foxes trotting along on the sidewalk. Three red foxes! A sign if I ever saw one, although I have no idea what it means.
I don’t like being without a job and absolutely fume at the thought of what we’ll have to pay for COBRA, but hopefully I won’t be unemployed for too long.
Aug 4th 2005Everyday life
Steve went to a Red Sox game in Boston and all I got were these bright pink “Red Sox” booty shorts. Booty shorts! Just what my wardrobe needed, apparently.
Another hot stifling day. I wore my booty shorts and we went to Sand Bar. We insisted(damn you, we insist!) on going swimming. The lake was like BATHWATER. I have never known lakewater to feel so warm in my life. I didn’t hestitate for a second to submerge myself. Typically I inch my way in, wincing the whole time, but not this time. We always bring some sports equipment whenever we come here- either a frisbee or a football or the aerobie, and throw that back and forth in the water.
There was a cool breeze and it was so relaxing.
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Aug 3rd 2005Everyday life & Pictures
