organs
Derrick: “Lance Armstrong is pretty small, and he’s like 5′10”, 5′11”.
Steve: “Yeah, but his internal organs are HUGE.”
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Jun 30th 2005I Laughed When
Archive for June, 2005
No I do not pleasure myself with my alarm clock, but thank you for asking
How many people can write or say that and be utterly serious?
A typical alarm is not really loud enough to rouse me out of deep sleep. So I have an alarm geared toward the hearing impaired that has three options- sound, light, and vibrating. The “vibrator” is a big round black thing you can put under your pillow or the mattress, and it starts vibrating away when it’s time to get up.
That is all I use it for. Really.
It never occurred to me that other people would think such thoughts about my alarm clock, or about me abusing my alarm clock in such a manner, until the day my parents were helping me unpack in my dorm room. My mom pulls the SonicAlert SUPER BED SHAKER VIBRATOR out of a box and said in a peculiar voice, only looking at my Dad, What’s this?
My Dad looked panicked and shook his head nervously, as if to say I HAVE NO IDEA, PUT IT AWAY.
“That’s for my alarm clock,” I said, perplexed.
“Oh, right!” My Mom said, suddenly recognizing it. “It’s her alarm clock,” she repeated to my Dad, who was standing right there, as if he did not quite understand English and needed it repeated. I thought the whole incident strange and after a couple minutes, I realized that my parents had mistaken my alarm clock for a SECRET SEX TOY. How mortifying! By then, the moment had already passed and there was no need to mention it ever again.
Until I started a blog, of course.
My friends also thought my alarm clock to be kinky in nature, and made comments or jokes about it. At Silver Bay, where we all swapped beds with each other for all sorts of reasons, people were known to have an unexpected introduction to my alarm clock when it went off in the morning. They said it was like getting a massage.
Sometimes vibration serves other purposes, you know, like getting me to work on time.
But thanks for your thoughts on the matter! Why stop with the alarm clock? I could entertain notions about you too. Your hair dryer perhaps, or the waffle iron? I see how you stroke your keyboard and touch the keys all over, let’s not kid ourselves here.
Jun 28th 2005Family & Hearing loss & I Laughed When
Link you link me
My policy is that if I happen to discover that you have linked me on your site, then I will return the favor and link you on my site. Because if you have voluntarily linked me, then you are a really nice person.
I was most surprised when I came across Alab�stromk�d’s blog in Hungary. How humbling is it when someone can understand YOUR writing when you can’t decipher a single word of THEIRS? I don’t even know if the writer is young or old, male or female. But hey, linkage makes the world go round.
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Jun 27th 2005Blogging
More about the Wifely Stare of Death
Steve says this about the Wifely Stare of Death: “When a girlfriend does it, everyone just thinks she’s a bitch. But when a wife does it… that’s another story.” She’s no longer a bitch, she’s a woman capable of crushing you with her gaze.
I have only just recently learned to cultivate the Wifely Stare of Death as we approach our third year of marriage. My friend Karrie has perfected it and I think she was born knowing how to do it. When I have witnessed it, wow, it is impressive. There is only one thing her husband should do, it is really the only option he has, and that is to cup his balls with one hand and run.
At least that is what most men would do. Mason, however, just shuts his mouth and sits with composure despite the scorch marks appearing on his skull as her gaze bores into it.
Our furniture was delivered yesterday and we set it up in the portion of our living room that is behind where the wall used to be. We did not measure the sofa, loveseat or chaise beforehand and I suppose that might have been wise. We set it all up in there and squeezed the coffee table in between the couches and stepped back and said “Well, this is… COZY.”
I love the floating chaise (still partially in the wrap it came in) so much. Not only is it wicked comfortable, it is just so RIGHT. Analyze me now, Herr Freud! I would show you a picture of the whole living room, with the other dark green couches, but my camera just inexplicably broke down.
The carpet still needs to arrive, and we ordered bamboo flooring for the rest of the living/dining area. Believe it or not, bamboo comes in planks like hardwood and looks just as good, and is a lot more renewable.
I just received, via email, an amazing compliment from the director of my graduate program and right now my head is floating three feet above my body. That floating, expansion feeling must quite literally be my ego inflating (hey, it could use some air). Have you ever had a compliment do that to you?
Jun 24th 2005Everyday life & marriage
Disclaimer
It occurred to me that if you did not know me personally, you might have had different impressions of my last entry. I hope I did not offend with my last entry about the skit. My angle was making light of the heterosexual male’s typically exaggerated and unfortunate worry of ever appearing “gay” in the stereotypical sense, and not of sexuality in general.
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Jun 22nd 2005Uncategorized
Yet another entry. Should I be slathered in primer?
My work is so automatic and memorized that my body moves on automatic pilot and my fingers fly over the keyboard on their own. As a result, I usually spend the shift thinking about all kinds of things. Sometimes heavy thinking, though I have to be careful because I can, depending on my mood, easily think myself into self-loathing. Othertimes, light thinking. Lately I have been entertaining myself by thinking of what would make a good Saturday Night Live skit.
For example- let’s say that there’s this guy, average guy with wife and kids, looks a bit like a football player or a Marine. Let’s say he dies unexpectedly and goes to heaven. He is greeted in heaven by angels who tell him that his life must be reviewed before they decide what happens next. The guy is a bit nervous, and is not sure what scenes from his life they’ll be looking at to decide his fate. One angel gets up, perhaps with a heavenly remote control in his hand, and says solemnly “We will now observe all the scenes from your life when you looked most gay.”
The camera closes in on the guy’s horrified expression. The heterosexual male’s worse fear! Something he had worked so hard to never do! Scenes flash on the wall, perhaps to some gay song. There he is, drinking with his pinkie finger sticking out! There he is, eating with a male friend at a candlelit restaurant! There he is, skipping and clapping his hands!
Ok, how about this, here’s another idea. This would be an ongoing skit, same premise in different situations. Some guy, played by Adam Sandler or someone, has an irritating habit of doing the same thing every time at inopportune moments. How about this, he’s at a business meeting and the boss is irritated with the company’s performance. He glowers at the co-workers and demands to see improvement and asks for feedback. Adam Sandler takes his hand and uses it to fold his chin so that it has a crease down the middle. He looks around and announces “I have a chin-gina!” “The Chin-gina” is what those skits will be called.
C’mon, it would be funny.
Steve’s car is dying, and he is sad. I am determined that we should become a One Car household, at least for a year or two. Steve works at home and I will be the only one commuting. It saves money and is good for the environment, blah blah. Sometimes Steve says in a little voice “But I want a truck” and I give him the Wifely Stare of Death. It will be an adjustment, though, having “my” car become “our” car.
I know what you’re thinking. Go ahead, try it. See if you can make a chin-gina.
Jun 22nd 2005making fun
banana
“I’m not mentally prepared.” *pause* “And I don’t have any bananas.”
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Jun 22nd 2005I Laughed When