Archive for February, 2005

New York New York

Sometimes when I look up the weather, it says the temperature and then it says what it FEELS like. That always cracks me up, especially when it is merely a one degree difference. It’s 27 degrees out but it FEELS like 26 degrees.

My Logger calendar for the month of March shows him standing in Times Square and the caption says “Out of sight out of mind… out a place”. That was Steve, Derrick and me this past weekend. We went to New York for a crazy two days where we visited my parents on the way, my cousin and his girlfriend at their condo in the Bronx, my friend Liz from Silver Bay and Felix who was over from Germany. I discovered that I can tolerate New York for approximately 12 hours before I have a fit involving lots of swearing because some f**#@ parked their car right up against my car. THE CAR WAS TOUCHING MY CAR’S PRIVATE PARTS. After 12 hours I’m ready to initiate a brawl with the nearest standing citizen then go home and never see another city ever again.

However, we did enjoy Central Park and “The Gates” display. I can confirm that, yes, spending 22 million dollars on orange cloths and calling it art looks as ridiculous as it sounds. We also spent time in the lower East side and met up with Liz for drinks and dinner at a Hawaiian restaurant where we were served by waitresses in bikinis. My cousin Steve met up with us later and we saw several comedians perform at The Underground. Then we went back to his condo overlooking the Hudson and discussed politics until 2am.

The next day, after brunch with Felix in the upper West side, we headed out of the city, with me periodically shrieking each time we encountered jaywalkers in the middle of the street or cars veering into our lane. Finally we crossed the Tappan Zee Bridge (hitherto known as the Tampon Zebra) and I could finally relax because we survived our venture into the big city without a single accident, mugging, drive by shooting or sodomy (besides my car). We stopped at my parents again on the way back and had a meal and they told us that they have had people visit them from NYC who insist on being escorted from the car to the house because they are convinced they are going to be mauled by a wild bear in the driveway. Apparently New Yorkers are as uneasy in our environment as we are in theirs.

We continued on and when we crossed the border into Vermont, all was right with the world. God bless Vermont.

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Gooch!

I have taken to the word Gooch! and say it rather frequently in the privacy of my home. You would only know what a Gooch! is if you have watched Jackasses The Movie and which I do not recommend because it significantly lowers your IQ when you watch it and there are scenarios that will be burned and scarred into your brain for the rest of your life.

So I came home on Wednesday at mid-afternoon and was really going to go ski but then I lay down and Aschi came over and sat on my chest and I couldn’t get up and my sad little spark of motivation went out. Wednesday morning is when I have community meeting and small group meeting and then I see my therapist and there is so much talk and stimulation and growth and my mind spins like crazy. Wednesday is Mind Fuck day. My biggest fear is that my next job site will not have this kind of intellectual stimulation or encouragement of personal growth.

So instead I watched Sex and the City on DVD. Mind stimulation has to be counterbalanced in some way.

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The other shoe drops!

On Thursday, my pen leaked, my bag strap broke, my unopened glass bottle of Orangina that cost $1.80 fell off my desk during class and shattered, and we met with the inspector who found MOISTURE and MOLD in the ATTIC CRAWL SPACE and ROTTING around the WINDOWS.

Hearing the news was akin to being punched in the stomach. Fortunately, our bond with the sellers remains firm and we worked out a fair deal around window replacement and installing a new ventilation system. However, I did remain very thirsty for the terminally long two and a half hours that I was in class. Instead I had to watch the professor drink herOrangina. Orangina. How dirty.

I had a fantastic ski today. My father in law gave me some tips a few weeks ago, the key words being Gorilla! Step! Tempo! I have been skiing with this in mind and suddenly there has been a real change. My weight shifted and I no longer feel like I’m windmilling or using up all this energy and getting nowhere. My balance feels steady instead of precarious. I’m gorilling! I’m stepping! I’m temping! It feels natural now and really frickin’ FUN.

Our place is the most clean and most orderly it has ever been, ever. Suddenly it looks like a darn decent place to live. Everytime people come to see it we go into another cleaning frenzy. To say that I went “beserk” and packed a ton of “stuff” into boxes and “labeled” them with names like “Random kitchen shit” would be an “accurate” description. A ton of clutter has been packed away and I cannot get over how I ever let it accumulate like that in the first place.

The cats pick up on our frenzied energy and they start scurrying around, getting underfoot, their eyes wide. Nothing says “WTF!” “WTF!” like our cats racing around, sensing impending change.

WTF!

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Gettin’ hitched on the wagon of LUV

My brother called me last night and told me he is gettin’ MARRIED!! He proposed on Valentine’s Day and she accepted. I am so excited.

webJJocean.jpg

Oh my gosh, I think I’m going to cry.

The snow is falling fast and furious this afternoon. The flakes are the size of quarters. Now, if the accumulating snow would just stay and not become warm or rain again like it did last week. The more I ski, the more I come to love winter -even into the days when it usually begins to get old and your soul longs for a warm sun. I find myself thinking “there’s only about six weeks left.”

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coffee

Steve: Is there any coffee?

Me: Gandhi?

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underwear

Steve woke up this morning all confused because he didn’t have any underwear on.

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flowers

Casper, STOP EATING THE FLOWERS.

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Mission impossible

Objective acquired. Potential buyers at 1500 hours. Initiate cleansing manuevers, stat! The oven has not been cleaned in three years! (Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you. Here’s flowers and candy. Thank you honey I love you too). Three hours until dead drop, target is a GO. Move! Move! Move!

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In a HOUSE down by the RIVER

We signed the contract today so I feel safe enough to write about it without jinxing anything.

The short version: The ATM machine wasn’t working, so we bought a house.

The long version (i.e. the version only our mothers would care to know): I should not be writing the long version with all the stuff to do with the bank and the lawyer and the realtor and the paperwork and the packing and the cleaning, but my fingers are itching to write the LONG VERSION.

The long version starts with an ATM. People always laugh when I start the story this way, because they are picturing hundreds of thousands of bills flying out of an ATM, of which I used to buy a house. STOP LAUGHING AND LET ME FINISH.

Just over a week ago, I went to the bank to use the drive thru ATM (I needed $20 to buy lunch, not a house, thank you). I drove up and the ATM screen informed me that it was temporarily being serviced. I was confused because it was 12:30 and the usual servicing time is 2:30-2:45. The little sign says so. I parked and went in the bank to use the ATM inside. On my way out I noticed a guy putting in a stack of newspapers by the entrance. This reminded me of how there are usually real estate guides there too and it would give me something to do while I ate my lunch. So I turned around and went back inside to pick up the for sale by owner guide.

See, the little details are important so you can understand (if you are still bothering to read this) the fateful chain of events.

I ate my lunch in the car and leafed through the guide, just to fantasize about owning my own piece of earth without neighbors on the other side of the walls who blast their music so that the walls vibrate and Steve sits there and fumes and we don’t go over to ask them to turn it down because it would make us feel like bitches. I saw a contemporary cape with dark brown wood siding that I gravitated to immediately. I liked the color and unusual shape. I never thought in a million years that it was conceivable or affordable but I wanted to show it to Steve anyway.

I showed it to Steve and he said something I never expected him to say. “I’ll call them.” Curious, but it would continue my fun little fantasy if we went and looked at a house like we were going to buy one. We called and the owners told us that someone was coming back to look at the house a second time, but they were willing to schedule a time to meet on Saturday.

The house is in Milton, 25 minutes north of Burlington and is situated across from the Champlain Islands. Milton is an odd duck town. It doesn’t have any real downtown or town center. Just a long main road with stores, places to eat and a couple pubs. Milton is sort of exploding into a new kind of town and its really not sure what to do because it still really likes NASCAR and having the highest rate of domestic violence per capita. And Burlington is like “Uhm…ye-eah.. why don’t you go ahead and become a good place to live because we’re overrun with these college kids” and Milton is clutching a Bud lite in his hand muttering “But-but I want to go snowmobiling…I was told I could snowmobile at a rea-reasonable volume.”

If you are confused, that was a reference to Office Space. If you didn’t get that, I don’t know if I can forgive you.

The road continues past Arrowhead Lake and the house is off the lake road along the Lamoille River. On the way there I said to Steve that we should look for coincidences and “signs”, such as things in common with the owners.

We met them, we saw the house, and the coincidences and signs were out of control. We came to see them like an older version of us and they saw us as a younger version of them. I didn’t dare to believe or to become attached to the place. I focused on finding things wrong with it. Even when we walked the land down to the river and Steve said, as the voice of reason and hope, “Sarah, the only way this could possibly be any better is if it were on a lake” I still pointed out one thing after another that was wrong or would go wrong.

The owners told us that if we made an offer that day, they would go with us and turn down all other offers. They did not want a bidding war. We had mere hours to decide. I am a person who spends hours looking around a store at all the different colors and sizes and prices of things before I make any decision. But the housing market in this county right now is a runaway train and there is no time. If we didn’t act now, it would be gone.

We went to Subway with our friend Cedar who lives in Milton and talked it over. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, still thinking about the white walls and how it needs to be changed RIGHT NOW and becoming convinced that the other customers were listening to our conversation and WHAT IF THEY WANTED THAT HOUSE TOO?

We made our offer and the owners went with us, even though other people called and even though the other guy gave them a higher offer. They could have done this differently but they extended this out to us. I really appreciated how they valued selling their home to the right people and having more in the transaction than just money. I’m glad to be moving in feeling good about the family that lived there before- it makes it a positive place.

We went out that night for my birthday dinner and I absolutely could not focus. I was like a tightly wired bundle of anxiety.

Steve: So, Happy Birthday.

Me: I want to tear down the living room wall! I want to finish the basement!

We went back today and signed the contract. Once it was done, then I was free to fall in love with the house and the river. It is a peaceful place and I feel inexplicably blessed.

Now we just gotta sell this condo.

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I’m all “object relations” today

I was at work this morning, staring and fatigued because I didn’t have coffee, and suddenly I remembered a dream I had a while ago. In this dream, my brother and I both had blankets over our heads and we were playing a game. I woke up and marveled at this dream because it completely recaptured the fun and absorption of play, just the way it was when I was a kid. I can be playful and silly and be absorbed in what I am doing but it can never recapture what it was like as a child. I can have fun but I just can’t have the same amount of delight in building a fort out of couch cushions.

Yet somehow I relived it in my dream.

Then I started thinking about my intrigue with the feelings or experiences that come up in dreams that I never currently experience in everyday life. This includes: a deep sense of evil, indescribable longing/loss, a connection with another that is like fusion, spiritual presence, grief, and experience of destruction of the world.

Then I connected the two thoughts. If the dream could bring back the feeling of play from another time in my life, maybe these other feelings are also from my life. Instead of necessarily being unconscious feelings (of the present time) or just scenarios drummed up by a sleeping brain, they could actually be reliving experiences from early childhood. These feelings could be themes from the depth, intensity and life/death dependence of a small helpless child. Not only is the child dependent on their caretakers with their lives, but their brain is still developing. The forebrain is not fully developed and the more primitive amgydala initiates, processes and retains all of these experiences.

The sense of evil/monstrous beings- hate turned against the self or projected into the environment. If a child is hungry and cries and cries without response, their experience could be of an amazing intensity. Later in development, such hate cannot be tolerated in conjunction with love towards someone the child is dependent upon. Hate is projected outward. Eventually the child reconciles love and hate/anger toward their caregiver. However, for a time before the reconciliation, a child may be deeply aware of a foreboding, dread, or evil.

Indescribable longing, loss, connection and fusion. Again in relation to caregivers and their physical and emotional presence in the child’s life. The intensity is so much greater for the infant. Later in life, this may be transferred or triggered by people or situations. What role does attachment, addiction and/or obsession play in this?

Destruction of the world- fueled by helplessness, dependency and perhaps an uncanny vision or connection with the unconscious of the parents. The destruction is much more real and imminent to an infant who is not covered up in layers of conscious rationalizing and adult capability to meet their own immediate needs.

Some people still experience these feelings in everyday life as adults and are crippled by them. What does this mean?

In dreams I may have access to experiences before conscious development and before language, thrown in at symbolic random with present themes/feelings, events of the day, and sparrows walking around with giant ostrich legs. Everybody dreams about that, right?

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