The 8th Nerve

I have never felt so mentally alive and stimulated before. Everything is coming together in new ways from all directions- class, theory, peers, supervision, triggers, clients, therapy, readings on meditation, my life- in such ways that my mind is spinning and making unprecedented new leaps of insight and feeling. I am finally (FINALLY!) breaking out of years of old, ingrained and self-defeating patterns. I will never think again in the same way. My thinking, my awareness, my perception of the world is coming apart and being reframed, and always, always I will be learning more. I am filled with so much excitement and sense of being vibrant and alive.

I have been looking for this my whole life.

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Sep 29th 2004Uncategorized

Autumn is arriving with the smell of wood burning and fallen leaves, and a lowered sun in a wan sky. A cool breeze was rushing through our open windows this morning. I went out for a five mile run and discovered that the breeze was disguising a sluggish heat that pervaded my body as soon as I exerted myself. It felt hot and slow. Hopefully the air will be crisp and sharp on the day of the marathon.

I really must love fall because I keep talking about it. Today Steve and I go to celebrate our anniversary, a belated celebration because there is no time during the week. A maze in a corn field, batting cages, and dinner on the lake to follow.

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Sep 25th 2004Uncategorized

ATM and bank fees are SUCH A CRUELLY DESIGNED UNNECESSARY RIP OFF.

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Sep 24th 2004I Peeved When

Ah, Thursdays are my “mental health day”. The only day I can go straight home from work and not go back out until class this evening. I usually spend it with a nice nap and doing all the reading that I haven’t done for my class.

Last night we watched the season premiere of Smallville. We always watch this partly to enjoy the show and partly to make fun of the show, and also to do things like groan out loud when, for instance, Chloe’s tombstone showed her birthdate to be 1987. 1987 and it makes us feel like two little pedophiles for watching the show, especially when one of Clark or Lana’s courtesy “here’s more skin than you’ve seen in a while” scenes come up.

The show ends with Clark and Lois Lane (I’m not sure how I feel about her, should she prop her boobs up some more?) grieving at Chloe’s grave. Then Lois turns and starts to walk away. Clark secretly uses his x ray vision and realizes that Chloe’s coffin is empty. He turns and calls out to Lois “Chloe is still alive!” and the dramatic scene ends.

Steve and I then debated how that conversation could possibly realistically continue. For example-

Clark: Chloe is still alive!

Lois: What? How do you know that?

Clark: Uh.. I just do.

Lois: Why didn’t you say something before? We were just talking about how to find Chloe’s killer. Like, two seconds ago.

Clark: Uh.. well I was just thinking about it some more and I think she’s alive now. Hey, it’s a good thing you’re going to come and live with me now, it will give us lots of opportunities to barge in on each other partially dressed. My parents don’t mind that I didn’t consult with them about this at all.

Lois: Ooh, ok. I’ll act very haughty towards you because you are a farm boy but I will secretly be attracted to you, which will be evident every time I see you without your shirt on.

Two years ago yesterday Steve and I got married in the Northeast Kingdom. Saying that it was the best day of my life sounds sappy and cliche, but it was. Happy Anniversary to my favorite Smallville-watchng partner.

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Sep 23rd 2004Uncategorized

I ran ten miles today in the decidedly cool autumn air, up and out past the hills to where the road unrolls before me like a ribbon. Far enough away until the traffic and the noise slide away and cows graze in golden fields. This time I am not as fast as I was but I can go the distance.

I am beginning to realize how much has changed since the last time I ran ten or more miles. Not physically, but mentally. My awareness and perception of the world has changed in many subtle ways. Most notably, I have begun to allow compassion and faith to myself and in myself that was never there before. The way I experience anxiety is changing, and the people I meet no longer consistently carry the overwhelming potential to threaten or to save me. I did not know before that I thought they did. My sense of safety or well-being must not come from other people but only from myself.

I am used to watching so closely where other people are coming from that I do not know where I am coming from. I am acutely aware of how others are in the world, but do not know the essence my own being in the world. This is the next step, and most importantly, it must be guided with self-compassion.

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Sep 19th 2004Uncategorized

The force is not with the Red Sox. At all.

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Sep 18th 2004I Peeved When

Today’s game between the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox was compared to Star Wars.

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Sep 18th 2004I Laughed When

I don’t know what these plant are called so I just think of them as The Plants my Mother-in-Law Brought Over and Put In. Anyway, they are blooming.

Today is the first chilly fall day, in the low 60s. I love the feeling of putting on cozy long sleeved shirts and pants. Time to put the summer clothes away.

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Sep 18th 2004Uncategorized

Steve: Yellow cab.

Me: You hit a cat?

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Sep 17th 2004I Misheard When

Damn you comment spam! I will not let you TAKE OVER MY BLOG. I will never ever understand the mentality behind spam. SPAM DOES NOT WORK. Nobody reads the spam, they only delete the spam and dislike you immensely for sending it.

Frickin spam.

I am so busy. I am often sleep deprived. I think a lot about where I will get my next source of caffeine. I see new people everyday and get to know them in the course of an hour. Life is tremendous right now.

I almost forget that I’m running a half marathon in two weeks. The weather has been phenomenal, sunny and cool, these are the days a runner lives for. However, in the month of September I have only managed the majority of my training on the weekends. I don’t run all week and then I go out and run 8 miles. And it feels great. This weekend I’ll do 10. Running is incredibly mental, and the fact that I have run a marathon before this makes it believable and doable that I could go run a half marathon after training on the weekends. I can go the distance, although my time won’t be what it would be if I had trained like last year. This is really defeating the purpose of signing up for a marathon, because it’s about training and getting in shape and running strong, not gutting it out on the day of the race. Unfortunately I just have too much on my plate. I have been getting up at 4 am everyday, people. FOUR AM.

Ooh, it’s time for my next caffeine fix. I can quit anytime.

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Sep 17th 2004Uncategorized