The 8th Nerve

I thought of Uncle Tom today when I was driving down 7. I thought of him because I had started the latest Harry Potter book last night and it was so engrossing that I already burned through nearly 300 pages. He had emailed a while back and mentioned how much he had enjoyed it and how quickly he had read it and the disappointment that it was done already. I was in agreement with him on this. Then today, as it has been these past few years, whenever I thought of Uncle Tom it was accompanied with a sense of wonder. Three years ago he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. He fought the cancer tooth and nail, until his long red hair was falling out, his face was swollen and his body bone thin, and his voice was barely rasping. Then, to the astonishment of the doctors and us all, the cancer vanished. Not a trace of it showed on the scans and X-rays. In 2002, he and my aunt visited my family the weekend of my wedding shower and he looked great. We sat in the living room the morning before they left and had a long conversation, full of good humor and insights. I was glad Uncle Tom was well and appreciative of this moment in time that so easily could not have been. A chance to sit with him and hear anecdotes from his life and enjoy his sense of humor and intelligence. He also attended my wedding and tore up the dance floor at the reception.

As I drove home my head and stomach began to hurt. I rarely experience either type of pain, and never simultaneously. I even wondered if I was going to throw up for no apparent reason. Once home I checked my email and there was news from Mom- Uncle Tom died this morning at my grandparent’s house in Maine. Despite beating cancer, his lungs were so weak from the treatment and an infection that he has been battling this winter that they gave out. My headache and stomachache went away and tears came instead.

Once long ago Uncle Tom sat at the round kitchen table at the farm in Maine, cracking open peanut shells. I was a shy child around this tall, wiry man with a mustache and long ponytail. However, I noticed that the brand label on the peanut bag said “Tom’s of Maine”. I was old enough to read the label, but young enough that if someone told me that the peanuts had been named after Uncle Tom, I would have believed them. In fact, I think I already believed it. “That’s your name!” I said boldly, pointing to it. “Yep,” he said, popping one into his mouth. “That’s why I like ‘em.”

For Christmas he got me a mug that had a rainbow and my name on it. I still have it and that’s why I like it.

I will miss you Uncle Tom.

“To one as young as you, I’m sure it seems incredible, but…it really is like going to bed after a very, very long day. After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.”
-Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

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Dec 29th 2003Uncategorized

I just now got home from work. I sat for a frickin hour and a half behind a line of cars on route 7. I passed the time listening to His Holiness the Dalai Lama debate the nature of emotions on audiotape. Something big went down in Brandon. I’m not sure what happened or what could possibly block a road for that long, but it involved several ambulances, police cars, fire trucks, and a helicoptor. Definitely need to check the papers tomorrow.

Despite the expense, I need to try downhill skiing at least once this winter. I have a reckless, overwhelming desire to go tearing down a mountain.

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Dec 22nd 2003Uncategorized

Friday’s travels took me up into the Northeast Kingdom. The sun was shining and heavy-laden pines cast blue shadows over endless snow fields. This alone was enough to make me feel quite happy.

This weekend we ventured back into the Kingdom to visit with the in-laws for a weekend of skiing and gift exchange. Cross country trails have been groomed right by their house, so we just skiied over. It was absolutely fantastic. I lost myself in the snowy wood, in the exertion, in the glide and speed of it. I was surprised how great it felt to get a good work out. This past month has just been too busy and cold and dark for any real chance to get outside. Luckily night skiing has opened up at Catamount by our place so I can get over there after work.

After dinner it was time for the annual trek to the tree farm down the road to cut down a Christmas tree under a starry night sky. We picked a tree along the edge of the road, as the snow was knee deep further in. On this particular tree the nice, Christmas tree shape did not start until about nine feet up the tree trunk. Eric and Steve took turns climbing up the tree and sawing it off near the top while I kept the light shining on the tree trunk. After some sawing there was much vigorous shaking of the tree. The tree did not move, but then, in a moment of stillness, the upper portion suddenly and solemnly keeled over, falling down to earth without a word. We dragged it back to the house. Later that night Steve and Eric headed out for the annual last minute stocking run to whatever gas station is still open to get things like beef jerky and pork rinds for their Mom. This never fails to amuse on Christmas morning.

This morning we had fun opening gifts and eating cinnamon buns while snow flakes drifted down outside. Steve got his brother the exact same shirt that I got Steve for Christmas (what are the chances?) so I surprised Steve with it there instead of at my parents’. The rest of our gifts for each other we’ll open with my family. Just a short work week til then!

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Dec 19th 2003Uncategorized

Yesterday was a gray and white day of rain, followed by snow. I had to reschedule yet more assessments. In the morning there was a festively decorated box on my desk, with chocolates inside. I have no idea who put it there or whether everyone had one on their desk. I assume they did but on second thought, I didn’t see anyone else with it on their desks. A bit of a mystery but I ate the chocolates without further questions. Never question the chocolate!

This morning was a winter wonderland.

I snapped this from our back door just moments before heading out and driving in it. The roads were a mess and my schedule today took me all the heck the way down 7. The snow stuck to everything, the limbs of trees and even vertical surfaces like signs. I knew I missed my turnoff in Pownal when I passed an unobscured sign that said “Welcome to Massachusetts”. I liked seeing a new and different part of Vermont, where even the mountains have an unfamiliar shape. The long drive there and back gave me plenty of time to listen to VPR and to think.

Sometimes when something matters too much, you have to let go completely in order to be free.

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Dec 18th 2003Uncategorized

Yesterday we tackled shopping. We went to both malls and downtown on a quest for various items. The crowds were unbelievable. Steve and I are both fast, goal-oriented walkers and to our exasperation, we constantly had slow moving, befuddled shoppers in front of us. We made good progress on our shopping list though. This weekend we also attended two Christmas parties, and had a good time at both. After my company party last night we went downtown and ran into friends at RiRa’s. Needless to say, the holiday spirits were so abundant that the wise thing to do was to leave our car downtown and take a cab home.

Our goal today was to recover Steve’s car downtown and get a tree. Another Nor’easter has hit tonight. The snowflakes started drifting down while Steve and I strapped a tree to the roof of the car. We took it home, set it up and decorated it with the help of two curious individuals. Casper, in particular, took a liking to the tree,but thankfully as of yet has not tried to climb it.

I finally hit on a great topic for my physiology paper- the anatomy of the unconscious. In researching I found there is a scientific explanation for something I find so intriguing in psychoanalytic literature but vague in terms of how it actually works. The amygdala is a structure in the brain that triggers emotions and is, evolutionary speaking, one of the oldest structures. The cerebral cortex at the front of the brain, developed later in the course of evolution, and it is linked to the amygdala. The cerebral cortex processes and rationalizes about the emotions that originate the amygdala. Sometimes however, the amygdala reacts so quickly and strongly that it overtakes us and we react before we think. Interestingly, the amygdala is nearly fully formed at birth. The cerebral cortex, on the other, develops slowly over the first years of life. We do not remember the first three years of our lives because the cerebral cortex, which processes and holds the capabilities to formulate conscious memories and the words for those memories, was not fully developed. The amygdala, however, still holds those memories- of the first three years as well as later- in powerful, wordless and often unconscious forms. Also, in times of pain, trauma, and suffering, the link between the amygdala and the cerebral cortex can easily be blocked- rendering feelings and memories unconscious and in this way we protect ourselves- we do not have immediate, conscious access.

This gives me a concrete sense of understanding of the process of thoughts, feelings and memories between our conscious and unconscious. This also helps me to make sense of how early memories and feelings can continue to exist in us and affect us, even when we don’t consciously know it. Alice Miller writes that no where else is our feelings more searing than they are in childhod. Events later in life that are parallel to situations of our childhood can trigger that painful depth of feeling. The amygdala in us still remembers, even if our cerebral cortex, the seat of rational thought, cannot. The purpose of therapy is to help unblock the link between these two structures in our brain and to make sense of it- especially of the encompassing, wordless and the unremembered that affect us so deeply.

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Dec 14th 2003Uncategorized

One paper (almost) down, two more to go.

I covered over 200 miles in this afternoon alone for an assessment. The holiday decorating fad this year appears to be giant inflatable Santas or Snowmen that can glow at night. I hope it does not catch on like the lit-up-reindeer-grazing-on the-front-yard craze or we will have an epidemic on our hands. My favorite type of decoration is the solitary candle in each window and a wreath on the door.

So far we have three Christmas cards in our Christmas card holder. Is this lame? We’re not sure. I don’t think we’re going to get around to sending out cards- it’s a pretty big project. We’ve made e-cards and mass e-mailed them in years past but it’s not quite the same.

Today the vice president walked all around with a big platter of fruit and cheese and crackers and stopped at each office and cubicle. Tomorrow a massage therapist is going to come in and give us five minute massages in our chairs. Also, it is slipper day and we can wear our bunny slippers to work.

Suddenly, I’m finding the Dilbert comic strip even funnier than I did before.

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Dec 10th 2003Uncategorized

We have over 18 inches and it’s STILL snowing. Time to hit those X-country trails!

Quizilla.com suddenly becomes very entertaining when I have multiple papers due. I was surprised by how, in a way, this one was on target though the quiz itself was silly. Next semester I will be studying personality assessment and I’m looking forward to it. There are unique characteristics among people that are numerous and complex. Yet, there are a certain number of key traits and temperaments that are consistent. Our personality is a complex interaction of what is innate in us all and our environment. Somehow, despite the complexity and uniqueness of each person, there are finite, fundamental ways to experience and react to the world.

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Dec 7th 2003Uncategorized

Snow is falling hard and fast in big white flakes. We have nearly a foot on the ground already. I could not be happier. I actually went out into this weather today, with my badass snow tires. I got an oil change, bought ingredients to make hot cidery Christmas drink, and went to the Christmas Loft to get more Christmas-sy things. I’ve developed a real wish this year to start buying items that I will bring out every year at Christmas time, and when I do, Steve and any hypothetical future children of ours will feel warm and fuzzy inside. Steve rolls his eyes but he is humoring me in this endeavor. We now have a Christma-sy table runner, X-mas card holder, Advent calendar, big pine-scented candle, and plates depicting little guys made of marshmallows, wearing a Santa hat and skiing or sledding on chocolate laden graham crackers. Below it says “Let it S’more”. These plates crack us up. I also got a quilted Christmas tree skirt. I really want a wreath for the front door too, but don’t have one yet.

We still need to get a tree and I’m excited about that. The one thing we don’t need to buy are Christmas ornaments. My grandmother has been sending me one each Christmas since I was born, with my name and date written on the bottom or side. I love unwrapping them each year, the unique wooden Santa and variety of animals and figures, to name a few, down to the little baby carriage ornament, dated 1978.

I did not know if I would get into the holiday spirit this year, given how hectic it is and the papers I have coming up. I was not sure when I would get the shopping done. But the snow today, and the items we’ve bought and put up, the Christmas lights up on our porch and the cidery drink hot in the crockpot and I’m happy and excited for Christmas. I haven’t done a single thing for my paper today but I’m not even stressed. It’ll get done.

Happy Holidays.

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Dec 6th 2003Uncategorized

In my daily travels for my job, I drive in and out of winter’s ascent on Vermont. On the highway, wisps of snow swirl and float on the road in wavy patterns like sand during low tide. In small towns huddled in between mountains, the snow hangs in the air like smoke, the flakes suspended between sky and ground. Today’s destination was a small town in the Mad River Valley. As I drove through, the traces of snow suddenly developed into a blanket of snow quietly covering everything. Signs every which way began to point to ski areas. The town itself was one of the most quaint, picture-perfect, Kimble-esque Vermont villages I’ve seen. You can see and feel that the town is a hamlet of artists and writers. I saw some of the coolest architecture too- angled, sloping, quirky wooden houses all along the back roads. We will have to keep this area in mind for when it’s time to get a house.

We had unexpected and delightful guests two nights in a row. Sarah and Robert stopped by Monday night and Cedar and Jen hung out with us last night. Casper liked having guests and provided us with great entertainment. Aschi spent time at the top of the stairs, nursing bitterness in her heart.

More papers to write, more books to read, but the end is in sight.

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Dec 3rd 2003Uncategorized