The 8th Nerve

In a couple hours, we’re flying to Utah for 11 days. Eric has lots and lots of sights to show us. The St George marathon is on the 4th. Wish me luck!

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Sep 26th 2003Uncategorized

The title of this entry is derived from the book Jennifer Government, a futuristic novel where all the countries have been taken over by corporations and the last name of every citizen is the name of the company they work for. Except I’m not going to be directly working for the government, only in an indirect way through a company contracted by the government. And I won’t be using firearms. Or chasing John Nike (guilty of having teens killed in order to sell sneakers) across several continents.

It was quite a process. I saw an ad in the paper for a case managment job that looked interesting, I sent in my resume on a whim. Weeks and weeks after I thought I wasn’t going to hear anything back, I got a call. I went in and the first thing they did was put me in a small room and give me a test SAT-style- 50 math and verbal problems to do in 12 minutes. Then I had to answer a series of personality and work style questionnaires. I couldn’t believe it, talk about intimidating. Then I had the interview. A couple weeks later, I had a second interview, this time with four people. When I left even I knew that it was a good interview, but I didn’t know if it would be enough. Then on Monday they called offering the job.

I am very excited. But today I had to tell my company, and never before have I felt so much like I am letting people down. It’s hard.

#178/#9 to go- Despite a late meeting, horrible Burlington traffic and a determined carpet cleaning salesman, I went and ran 16 miles tonight. The sun was already going down behind the mountains by the time I got on the road. I rigged up a miner’s headlight type of thing on my camelpack, which was equivalent to having a flashlight shining from my left shoulder. This turned out to be very effective, as half of my run was in darkness.

The stars came out and I turned off my light and ran by the glow of the milky way for a while. I saw two shooting stars. I thought of a book I read a long time ago that ended with the girl and boy sitting on a bench holding hands and the line “they looked past the moon and the great satellites of Jupiter and dreamed upon the stars.” That book hit me hard, because more than anything, I wanted to be noticed by a boy. Not just noticed, but recognized in a soul mate kind of way. How incredibly exquisite that yearning was, when I was 12 going on 20. (Or so it felt then).

The run was ok, muscles a little tight and loss of energy in the last 3 miles. By that time it was so dark cars were blinding me with their headlights when they passed by. My last long run of the training- finito!

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Sep 24th 2003Uncategorized

Sometimes friendships change in ways you never expected, particularly those you were friends with through college. The impact of the world- jobs, moving, marriage- impacts the friendship too. This is fairly obvious and understandable, it’s part of growing up.

Sometimes there are very subtle changes in addition to the obvious changes. With a friend well-known it’s easy to maintain the same banter and same appearances in the face of change. Then suddenly, from time to time, there is a glimpse of what is underneath that is like a slap in the face. Despite all appearances, the friendship is not at all the same. Beneath the surface something has soured and any attempts to address it and understand it is futile, which makes it all the more painful. Somehow things keep getting taken the wrong way, somehow conversations leave you feeling defensive and misunderstood. Humor disguises anger. Certain topics are glibly avoided. Yet the next time you talk to your friend, you think you must have imagined it, because on the surface everything is the same.

But I know that things are twisted around and misinterpreted and we no longer know each other. Everything I say gets taken as a criticism or judgment in a way I don’t mean. Hurt, sensitivity is fine tuned and sharp and there’s no resolution. I feel it happening, even if everything appears fine.

What do you do when a friendship reaches that point? Do you stick to the appearances of things, despite the hurt, or do you just let it end?

Or are you just imagining it?

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Sep 23rd 2003Uncategorized

We have been having one beautiful sunny fall day after another here, until yesterday when we had a little bit of wind and rain- our disappointingly mild experience of Hurricane Isabel. I love it when it rains, especially if there have been too many sunny days in a row. Too many sunny days bother me- I’m stuck inside working or studying and always in the back of my mind I’m thinking “I don’t want to be here. I really should be outside enjoying the weather. There should be something, I don’t know what, that I’m doing outside to fully take advantage of that weather.” So when it rains, it’s a nice reprieve and I can remain inside and be cozy, since I have to be inside most of the time anyway!

We’ve used the same pair of running shoes since last spring. This was really not wise, we probably should be on our third pair of shoes by now. We went to the mall a few days ago and got new running sneakers. The first four or five pairs of shoes that I requested resulted in the salesgirl coming back and apologetically saying that they were all out of the shoe in my size. I finally had to settle on a completely different brand of shoe.

Now, what I would like to know is, where ARE all the people who purchase running shoes? If they purchase these expensive shoes specifically made for long distance running, where are they doing some real legitimate running with these shoes? The streets and roads of Vermont should be filled with stampeding hordes of runners, as evidenced by how popular running shoes are. However, this is not the least bit true. The majority of the population use these running shoes mainly for stylish purposes. Just another
one of my pet peeves!

Not to jinx things, but Steve’s first week as an independent translator exceeded all of our expectations. He’s gotten more work than he knows what to do with. We hope it keeps up!

Day #174/#13 to go- You know you’ve gone off the deep end marathon-wise when you consider a 7 mile run “short”, a 13 mile run “not bad at all” and today’s 18 miler “great!”. There was a drastic difference between last week’s 18 mile run and today’s 18 miles. I actually picked up speed in the last six miles, whereas last week I was slowed to a crawl. I had no aches and pains, no tight muscles. I cut about 20 minutes off my time. I hope I feel as good on the day of the marathon as I did today. Maybe it was the new shoes.

All right, I’m ready. Bring it on.

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Sep 21st 2003Uncategorized

On Friday night, Steve and I enjoyed dinner with several of his co-workers and went to Higher Ground to see the Seth Yacovone band. We had fun and it was the official end of Steve’s tenure at the company. A real weight has been lifted, Steve has newfound, relaxed energy that I haven’t seen in a long time. It changes the whole air around us.

Yesterday after my run we drove to Craftsbury to hang out with Robert, Sarah and Cedar. Cedar is living in a wooden house without a bathroom or electricity and was making blueberry jam when we arrived. Ah, Vermont country living. In a few years I hope Steve and I can get rid all our unnecessities and find a log house or farmhouse. I don’t know if I would go so far as to go without electricity or a bathroom, but I definitely would like to simplify, simplify.

We had a good time catching up and drove back here this morning after a breakfast of blueberry pancakes at Robert’s. Now it is time to hit the books.

Day #167/#20 to go- I did it! Yesterday I survived the longest run of my training- 18 miles. It took 3 hours. The first two hours passed by surprisingly quick, but the last hour and particularly the last 3 miles, felt quite long and agonizing. Around mile 7 my right calf began to tighten up, but a long, mean slope at mile 9 seemed to loosen it up.

Leaves are beginning to turn and various bugs, crazed perhaps by the approach of their dying season, kept bumping into me and veering off. I ran past a lake with islands, I ran to another town I’d never seen.

Fortunately I have minimal aches and pains today, considering, and my knee is recovered. Given how I felt at miles 17 and 18, I wonder if I have it in me to run for another hour and complete 26.2 miles at the actual marathon. I think however that adrenaline, other runners, and spectators will be what makes it possible for me to keep running longer than 3 hours.

As I run these rolling green hills, I try to picture myself in the mountain altitude and rocky, Martian-like landscape of southern Utah, where I will run the marathon. It’s hard to imagine.

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Sep 14th 2003Uncategorized

The date that we never look at in the same way again. The New York skyline that we never see in the same way again. Who knew until 9/11 that the skyline appears so incredibly often in movies and TV? And always the pang we feel when this unintended reminder appears- sometimes with the towers, sometimes without.

Two years ago I was working a job with a 1pm-11pm schedule. So in the mornings I would sleep in or do whatever and the last thing I ever did was watch TV or read the paper. That morning two years ago I woke up late and came down the stairs and the answering machine light was blinking. It was Steve, urgently telling me to turn on the TV. I turned in on and saw the Pentagon in ruins. Then, the towers fell. The feelings of shock and disbelief were so intense that I cannot even recreate or re-experience them from memory, they have been repressed and blocked away.

Later that day, I walked around at the local grocery store feeling dazed and surreal, wandering the aisles under bright yellow lights. Everything looked the same, but the world had changed.

Day #164/#23 to go- I knew there would come a time when I would want to take all the happy, fun filled words I ever said or wrote about running and eat them. Yesterday was that day. It was as if I had a buffer for the last 164 days, which allowed me to find running a pain-free, mostly enjoyable experience. Yesterday, that buffer abruptly broke down. The entire 13 mile run was agonizing. My legs ached, my muscles were tight, energy was minimal. It was strange because I had just run 14 miles on Saturday and felt great the whole time. Today my right calf muscle is tight and my knee is painfully stiff, accompanied by popping and cracking noises whenever I walk. Hopefully this is temporary- the marathon is in 3 weeks!

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Sep 11th 2003Uncategorized

It is official. Steve has turned in his letter of resignation and his last day at his job is next Friday. After that day, he is an independent freelance translator. This was a long time coming and it took a lot of thinking and worrying to get there. He was further slowed when he approached his boss about going independent and his boss offered him a new job with a significant pay raise. After further thinking and brewing, Steve decided to remain true to himself and go independent, with all the professional and financial unknowns and uncertainties therein.

Once made, however, the decision feels absolutely right, to him and to me. The corporate life is not for him and no money is worth the detriment to his spirit. The decision feels very freeing- he is no longer tied down to a place or has to answer to anyone and has something creative and fulfulling to work on. I feel optimistic and I’m very proud of him. Next Friday we will have a very big celebration.

I am a walking lightning rod. When I smile, lightning strikes dangerously close. I had several more bands and wires and a various other metal parts attached to my teeth and inside my mouth today. Now it’s difficult to talk and I could easily be hired by Disney to do the voice of, say, Donald Duck’s new lisping girlfriend. I will continue to adjust..

Day #a very high number/#rapidly dwindling number- We ran 12 miles. It was long.

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Sep 3rd 2003Uncategorized

This past Labor Day weekend Steve and I drove down to Star Island to visit my brother for our last adventure of the summer. Star Island is an island half a mile wide off the coast of New Hampshire, where smiling, attractive, liberal employees called Pelicans keep an enormous hotel running smoothly and, thanks to my brother, well-painted. I’ve only been there twice but I love this place. It has an amazing history, from Blackbeard’s buried treasure to storms, fires, tragic deaths and hauntings.

We embarked by ferry from Portsmouth and churned out 10 miles to the island. Jordan and his girlfriend, Jocelyn, greeted us on the dock. We found our room and then I proceeded to run 28 times around the island for a total of 14 miles. After I thoroughly established my reputation on the island as a lunatic who ran around it all afternoon, the four of us had dinner and then watched an amazing sunset from Jordan’s cottage. All around us was ocean and far in the distance one could see the coasts of Maine, New Hampshire and Massachusetts stretching out in a long line. Once the sun went down, a crazy fun night of card games and beirut followed.

The next day Jordan and Jocelyn took us around a tour of the island- graves, memorials, cottages, secret hidden hideouts, and clamboring and leaping nimbly over sun bleached rocks. It was an amazing sunny dark blue oceanday.

We watched the Pelicans play softball, we played some basketball, ping pong and tennis, and watched a movie. After dinner we played the board game “Scruples” and had good talks. Jordan and Jocelyn are busy planning and trying to figure out where they are going to live and what jobs they will have once they leave the island in October.

On Monday we were out on the 11:45 am ferry. There’s something about leaving a place on a ferry and watching it grow small and desolate in the distance that breaks my heart. The tears poured down and Steve comforted me. I was overwhelmed with a wish to be able to defy distance and protectively enfold Jordan and Jocelyn. I wanted them to come live in Vermont where I can help in every way I can to make it as easy and smooth as possible. Please let the real world be kind and accommodating to them.

After disembarking the ferry and quite hungry, we headed home. We were rushed because I had my first class of the fall semester at 5. We stopped at a gas station to grab some food and when we went back out to the car I realized that I had locked my keys in my car. I couldn’t believe it, I’d never done that before. We called triple A and they said they would be there anywhere between a few minutes and 45 minutes. Naturally, they arrived in about 46 minutes. I was officially going to be quite late to class.

I seem to have a curse, because it was going to be the third time I’ve walked into the very first class of the semester quite late in my graduate career. The first year I was hurrying to class, slipped on some ice in the parking lot and my ankle went *pop*. I had to be carried to the campus medical center and then hobbled to class on crutches, arriving an hour and a half late. The second time, I was involved in a fender bender on my way to the first class of the fall semester and walked in a half hour late. Needless to say, I am not a stranger to walking into a classroom full of unfamiliar people and making a doubtful impression on the professor as I attempt to explain why I’m so late.

However, it doesn’t make it any easier to have it happen again. To make matters worse, all my information was at home and I didn’t have time to go home to get it. So I didn’t even know which classroom I was supposed to go to and, better yet, I didn’t even know WHAT class I was supposed to be in. I knew it was one of three possible classes I was taking, but I had no idea which one. I booked it to Vermont at a high speed, a speed so high that the only cars passing me were from Quebec, those crazy Canadians. I arrived a half hour late, and after looking up the course schedule online in the computer lab, I arrived to class. Thankfully the professor was very nice and laughed at my locked-my-keys-in-my-car story and there were no problems.

So goes my last adventure of the summer.

On a further note, my friend Monica, a vet student, informs me that animals in fact have quite a lot of dentistry issues including too many teeth or coming in quite crooked. This includes cats and dogs. There are even people, who must live in a bizarre sub-dimension version of our reality, who put braces on their pets for cosmetic reasons.

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Sep 2nd 2003Uncategorized