The 8th Nerve

We went running in the sluggish heat. My legs felt achy, crampy. For tennis, hot weather is my favorite time to play- my limbs and muscles feel limber, well oiled. For running though, heat seems to stagnate and oppress. After running, we jumped in the pool and it made it all worth it.

My face has an amazing ability, independently of the rest of my body, to turn a brilliant, pulsating shade of red when I exercise. Especially in hot weather. And it lasts for hours afterwards. Perhaps it’s a superpower, one I have yet to develop…like Superman’s heat rays, except I use my face.

Bizarrely, I have quite a lot of bug bites that have suddenly emerged, especially on my legs. I don’t usually get a whole lot of bug bites. But something obviously went crazy, a mutant crazed misquito on a rampage, and bit me all over without me even noticing it. The bites don’t itch, which suggests they’re not mosquito bites, but they’re big and you can see them from a mile away. Did it happen while running? Was it a spider? Do I have poison slowly seeping through my bloodstream? Steve doesn’t have any bug bites. It’s a mystery. If another entry never follows this one, then you’ll know why. It was the bug bites.

I finally got around to grocery shopping after work and we have food again. yay.

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Jun 23rd 2003Uncategorized

Whew. I was dragging most of this week. Busy busy work days and then summing up the energy for running when I got home was particularly tough. I’m wondering if I’m eating the wrong kinds of food or should be eating better lunches for running. On Monday through Saturday we ran 6, 3, 6, 6 and 7 miles. We skipped the 2 miler again on Friday because we went down to Calais to see Cedar and Jen and join the get together they were having for Jen’s birthday. We had some good food and cake, hung out on the porch and sat in the hot tub. The night sky was full of stars- I don’t think I’ve seen a full starry sky since last summer.

On Saturday we went to the Chew Chew festival with Derrick, his girlfriend Katie and two friends of theirs. The last time we went to the Chew Chew festival it was pouring rain and there was hardly anyone there. Steve and I just wandered around in the mud puddles, sampling various food. This time the sun was out and it was much more crowded. We did manage to manuver the crowds enough to get in some lines and try some food. The Chew Chew festival is on the waterfront and it was particularly beautiful just then in the slanting sunlight before it sunk behind the Adirondacks. There was live music in a large tent and we hung out there until it closed at 11 or so. It was a good time. I managed to get a fit of high pitched hiccups that lasted the entire walk back up to Katie’s dorm, where we had parked our car. A strange phenomenon when you think about it, hiccups.

I had my first sign language class this week. It was fantastic, I enjoyed it. The teacher is a deaf woman my age, and she teaches entirely in sign. One of the course requirements is that we attend a variety of Deaf culture events- picnics, plays, meetings, and other get togethers.

Time to fold some laundry and get myself ready to face another Monday. The thing about Monday is that the big list of things to do that I had in my head on Friday gradually fades over the weekend. By the time Monday rolls around, the specific list that I complete and check off one by one has morphed into generalized anxiety of knowing that I have a whole lot of things to do and meetings to go to, but not really remembering what it all is nor feeling ready to take it all on. I face the whole week before me with a sense of overwhelm. Then I get to work and read over my stuff and reorient myself and start tackling things and from that point take it one thing at a time.

Five more weeks til my vacation…

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Jun 22nd 2003Uncategorized

The husband was quite the handyman today. He’s outside putting together our adirondack chairs and earlier he successfully installed our new A/C unit for the bedroom.

We took it easy this weekend. Which means I can barely remember what we did yesterday. We did drive down to Stowe to eat at the Foxfire restaurant with Steve’s parents and had a very good meal.

Today I worked on my project for class, and drove back to Stowe to meet with a student at her house and we worked on our projects together. She has a great country house by a pond.

My insurance agent called the smarmy guys at the car rental place and gave them a talking to. When I showed up they were oozing apologies and said they would take that unnecesary fee right off there for me and they hoped with much gusto that I was a satisfied customer. Only a very good salesperson can make you forget that their intentions and interest in you is based purely on money. Most others though, leave you feeling like you need to take a long hot shower. Makes me all the more glad I’m in the human services field. My car is looking great though, they even fixed a small bulge that was on the bumper due to another small incident (which we don’t need to go into here).

We took the cat to the vet. We told the vet about her urgent howling and meowing ritual she undergoes every time we get home from work, and the vet recommended a “plug-in” that releases “pheromones” we can’t smell and that makes the cat “feel good”. We bought one, what the heck, and plugged it in in the upstairs hallway. Since then, Aschi has spent a significant amount of time sitting and staring into space and blinking at us.

I found out about a sign language class that is right up the road from me. I can take it for college credit- it’s every Tuesday for two hours in the evening, for ten weeks. I’m very excited about it. I was beginning to think I’d never find an ASL class and I was losing my motivation to pursue that avenue so that I could extend therapy to those with hearing loss. Now I feel rejuvenated.

Day #73- This 5 miler was hell- I ended up only running 31/2 to 4. Absolute hell. I had nothing- I was completely drained physically and mentally. For the first time in a long time I was seriously tempted to stop and walk. Now I know what it’s like to run on empty.

Day #74- We ran the 3 miles to the bridge and back. I barely noticed I was running because we were chatting the whole time.

Day #75- We had to take the cat to the vet and it was raining cats and dogs (ha ha). We decided to forego the 2 mile run.

Day#76- I ran the hilly 7 mile run again. The monster hill was not so bad this time- it seems to get easier every time. Feelin’ good.

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Jun 15th 2003Uncategorized

I was all nervous about my meeting first thing this morning with a transitioning family. As usual, with the things I worry about most, I expend too much energy worrying about it. Before the meeting I created a “waiver board” using a large piece of cardboard, covered it with white paper, and painted lines that divided the board into the days of the week. Then I typed up various programs, added colorful clip art depicting the program, and at the bottom added the ratio of staff to clients, time, and dollar amount that would be deducted from the waiver for each program. I felt this would make it much more tangible to families rather than just saying “Yeah, your child can do this, this, and this, and that’s it. There’s no more money, sorry.”

This worked well at the meeting- the client picked out programs and I put them on the board in the morning and afternoons on various days during the week. It made what would have been numerical and abstract into something concrete and easy to see.

After work I dropped my car off at the collision repair center and some guy from a nearby car rental drove by and picked me up. At the car rental place I was subjected to guys in white shirts and ties with swarmy fake smiles and gusto of salesmen, except they weren’t selling anything, right? The guy highly recommends that I opt to pay $16.99 a day, and this would cover any accidents or damage to the rental. If I don’t pay $16.99 a day and something happens to the rental I would have to pay up to $500 and go through another claim, etc. Though the risk was minimal, I felt obligated to do it. You never know what might happen. The suave overly friendly, but secretly an immature frat boy who drinks heavily on the weekends, salesguy had me initial here, here and here, and sign here, here, and here. I left feeling like I had been ripped off, although my insurance should be covering costs of this car rental. Supposedly.

The weather was weird today- sudden bursts of rain showers periodically followed by instense warm sunshine. By late afternoon, sun and rain were occuring simultaneously, creating rainbows.

Day #70- We went running in the sunlight after one of the sudden brief rainshowers. My body no longer communicates dissatisfaction through general minor aches and pains or ragged breathing. Instead it’s a certain heaviness, a fall in energy. And it’s much more specific. I knew I was slowed, and I knew that this is what I get when I devour chips and Paul Newman’s pineapple flavored salsa as soon as I get home and then go running.
Running helps to be in tune with your body in a new way.

We ran the five miles in silence and footfalls, as our shadows grew long on the pavement.

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Jun 9th 2003Uncategorized

On Saturday we went out to Craftsbury and went camping in a lean-to with Robert and Sarah. We walked through hilly, idyllic pastures full of rams, goats, chickens, geese and horses to reach the forest. The only thing missing from the scenery was Babe, the spunky talking pig.

When a lean-to was initially mentioned I thought it meant some tree branches cut down and propped up against each other. Doesn’t that make sense? Wouldn’t that be why it’s called a lean-to? However, this particular lean-to actually turned out to be just like a log cabin with one wall missing. It was very nice- made of clean dry wood. Upon reaching the lean-to, we cooked a meal over the fire, sampled Robert’s home brew, and had a good time talking and catching up. The forecast was for rainshowers but we lucked out and had clearing skies with no rain.

Today was sunny and beautiful. Robert had to work today, so Sarah, Steve, and I went and paid a visit to Little Tasty (Robert’s cow) who took a liking to my sneakers and licked them profusely. Then we went canoeing at Green River and are now all sporting sunburns. We had lunch at the Grist Mill in Waterbury- the food was excellent and there was a waterfall out back. Always a good combination for a restaurant.

All in all a very good weekend and nice chance to get outside and away from it all.

Check back again- I’ll be downloading pictures for this entry.

Day #69- We clocked the miles by car before running the 7 miles on Saturday. In doing so we discovered a lake that we never knew existed, 6 miles from our place. The run was a good one, along the same hilly back road I ran last week. Just before the 3.5 mile turning point was a monster of a hill. This hill was a real mark of the progress I’ve made- it slowed me down and I was breathing harder- but once I reached the top I picked up my pace again and my breathing returned to normal. A month ago, this hill would have wiped me out or reduced me to walking. My natural pace is evolving too, I can definitely feel myself getting faster. I kept the pace up and breathed easily the whole 7 miles. I still can’t get over how easy it is to breathe. I’ve always associated running with painful, labored breathing- however in the past I either wasn’t running regularly or I was running in timed races, which always stressed the hell out of me. There is a remarkable difference when you run for the sake of running.

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Jun 8th 2003Uncategorized

I went and got an oil change and was told that my tires are nearly bald and I need to get new ones. They gave me a quote of $400 for 4 tires. Then I went home and got a call from my former supervisor at my last job telling me that I was underpaid for all the overnights I did in the 2 1/2 years I worked there and I have a nice fat check coming. Now, how often does life work out like that? EVER? I’m debating whether I should put the check in savings (first instinct), pay off most of my car loan or just splurge because it was unexpected anyway. Then I tried to think of what I would like to get splurge-wise but there really isn’t anything, except getting a tennis racket.

Day #67- We ran five miles along the bike path and up the road towards Richmond. We passed an old cemetary and took a jog on the path through there- observing tombstones from the 1800’s bearing last names like “Shortsleeves”. Then we ran past a cow pasture. They watched us warily, chewing their cud. I turned my focus back to running, then Steve called my name. I looked over and there were twelve, count ‘em, TWELVE cows running pell mell alongside us. They ran all the way to the end of the pasture and stopped at the fence and stared after us. This was more bizarre than the running goose.

Only in Vermont…

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Jun 5th 2003Uncategorized

Today was a good day. For some reason.

I’m getting creative and generating ideas at work. It’s fun.

I have four paintings so far.

Day #64- There’s a reason Sunday is a day of rest. I ran my 6 miles on Sunday although I supposed to run it on Saturday (and rest on Sunday). I really cranked those miles, which felt great, but the next day my left knee was stiff. And I had to run 5 miles, and it ached pretty much the whole time. I need to be careful in knowing the difference between grinning and bearing it and when grinning and bearing it could cause permanent damage. I grun and bore it.

Day #65- My knee was fine today. I ran the three miles fast and happily. Then we hit tennis balls around. Man I miss tennis. I need to get a new racket and find a hitting wall and just hit and hit until I feel like I have my strokes back again.

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Jun 3rd 2003Uncategorized

Day #63- I ran 6 miles in the chilly rain. It was one of those amazing runs, where I have boundless energy and feel completely in tune with running. On runs like these, I have content patience no matter how far away the destination is and how long I will have to run to get there. I seem to have good runs on rainy days. I ran down a road I haven’t run before, it was quieter and hillier with trees and farmland all around, but didn’t have much of a shoulder.

The girl I worked with until early May in practicum called to say hi just as I was heading out for my run. We talked a bit and it was very sweet. She uttered a shriek just as I was hanging up and it made me smile- I knew our conversation had made her hyper and she would be bouncing off walls for a while, with the Staff attempting to calm her down. I’ve never met anyone quite like her.

I went to Wal-mart to get a binder and art supplies for my project. I could not believe how crowded it was. This is Vermont, things are not supposed to be crowded here. The parking lot was a madhouse and once inside I had to constantly manuever around people. I always feel somewhat violated, as if I had unknowingly committed a sin, when I go to Wal-mart, hence I go there very rarely. I bought a variety of supplies, including Crayola easy wash paints and brushes. Don’t need anything fancy to start painting.

I gave myself permission to suck, which eased my trepidation about attempting this. I started messing around with the colors and trying them out. Once past my initial resistance, it was pure joy to immerse myself in it. Quickly a scene emerged of one I’m always drawn to- a reflecting lake, mountains, and a sunset that sets the sky on fire.

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Jun 1st 2003Uncategorized

Today our practicum/play therapy group met for a final bittersweet class. Uplifting, surely, if I were not so full of regret. As the last hour wound down and we summed up the past year, many students referred to their gatherings outside of class. I was painfully aware in every part of my being of opportunities and experiences lost, friends unmet and unknown, and most of all, my own aloneness because I never came into being (except for that one day, but I was too late). All the more piercing because it is not just this time, but many many times in my life. I played it all out again, with the entire class, my ultimate transference. I managed to relive it all again, everything that was supposed to be past. All I can ask, yet again, is “Why?”. I have many plausible explanations, however, if any of them were actually helpful this would not have happened again. The answer remains unconscious.

The pattern of regret is circular self-incrimination, repetitive intellectual awareness, but no resolution. I could hit upon all the key insights, make newer and more intriguing connections all the time, but still nothing changes. Maybe this time I have learned something, all signs point to mostly unknown territory for me. It is time to venture into the preverbal, symbolic world that is more in tune, more inexplicable than linear thought and language. I will seek and withstand the answer in new ways.

I’m going to try painting.

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Jun 1st 2003Uncategorized