The 8th Nerve

Ha.  Well, some days it might seem easy to put the baby in a sling and get stuff done or go places.  Other days, like today, I consider it a victory that I got dressed!

I’m in bed with the baby, it is after 2 am. (Although I think this entry will indicate a different time and date because I initially started this entry hours ago.)   I only got as far as washing my face and flossing my teeth.  At some point I hope to grab the opportunity to run back to the bathroom and brush my teeth.  I think this is the biggest surprise to me, how continuously I am tied to Emmy.  I can’t even hand her off to Steve for very long.  I realize that I had imagined us sharing very similar roles and taking turns with her throughout the day and night.  However, it just does not work that way at this point.

In the scheme of things, this time is fleeting.  I imagine every age has its pros and cons.   Everyone who has been through it tells you childbirth is painful and life with a newborn takes adjustment and enjoy sleep while you can and that kind of thing.  Even when I heard all that, a part of me thought I could outthink and outgut my way through.   Sometimes though, it IS painful or stressful or overwhelming just like they say it will be.   I’m not complaining though, I’m acknowledging this part of the experience.

In a way, just being with Emmy is similar to meditating.  You are sitting and just being.  A part of you starts thinking “I should be doing something.”   What I am doing is incredibly important-  taking care of my baby- even if I haven’t showered yet and I don’t know what day it is and I must have been sitting in this one place for hours and hours.  Regardless, the mind starts thinking that I should be more “productive” somehow, which can lead to a somewhat stir crazy, glued down feeling.

This is a time to just be present and not wander away with my thoughts, especially the ones that start with “you should”.  The more present I am, the less anxious I will be.  The less anxiety or self-induced distraction I have, the more connected I will be to Emmy and the moment.  The less anxiety I have, the happier Emmy will be.  Just be!

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Sep 2nd 2009Emeline & Everyday life & Introspection

Yep, face bloat is here! One day I look fairly normal, the next day I look like Garth Brooks in a wig. Except I don’t have a goatee in an attempt to give my jawline any definition.

Or better yet, Britney Spears. Awesome.

Face bloat, face bloat, wheeeeeeee!

We had a great vacation. It never ceases to amaze me how immediately our dog Lucky knows what it is all about. As soon as we get there, he does a prolonged joyful dance and then plunges into the lake. His intuitive response seems to deepen his (and ours) unconditional joy the whole week there. I especially craved swimming in the lake, which was smooth and clear as glass.

It didn’t even feel like a week to me. It was suspended time where we existed in a different mode punctuated by sun and water and the call of the loons. A mode interrupted only by the twenty minutes of sheer terror where we tried to follow google map directions to Littleton, NH and ended up on “Old County Road” which actually translates to “being thrown wildly back and forth on a narrow unmaintained mountainside ATV trail in the middle of nowhere with mud and boulders that make horrendous destructive noises underneath your vehicle.” Steve, however, thought it was great fun and suggested that we take it on the way back too, in the rain and the pitch dark. To which I half- jokingly gave him the Wifely Stare of Death.

More than once I thought about how little time remained before we have a new being in our lives. One that will fundamentally change our routine, our amount of free and quiet time, and just about everything else. However, it seems like at this point in the pregnancy, this close to the end, the reality of it becomes blunted. I can conjecture about these things but it feels like there is a wall there that keeps me from fully and completely getting it.

While on vacation I dreamed that I could feel even more detail through my belly. I could feel her hands and fingers and deepen my connection with her, even though we are still separated by skin.

The other day I got some baby head to toe body wash and lotion and imagined washing those hands and limbs for real. For a second, I almost, almost got it, with help from the memory of the dream. But the mental boundary is persistent. Perhaps it is there to not get hopes up or because it is an unknown experience so far removed from any other in your life to date and the mind can’t be wrapped around it. There is also the deepest down fear that OTHER people’s babies might be normal and cute and healthy and human, but YOURS on the other hand.. don’t dare hope too much. Don’t fully believe it until it really happens.

I bet the ultrasound tomorrow will help. I just hope she’s turned head down!

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Jul 20th 2009Everyday life & Pets & pregnancy

The cleavage, this new phenomenon that behaves like my own personal baseball mitt,  catches the crumbs and the ice cream sprinkles, and on one horrifying day, a spider.   (Yes, go ahead and laugh at the image of me in the woods, flapping my bra wildly and screaming!)  The belly catches everything else and is also capable of supporting my arms and other objects, a personal shelf at my disposal.

Ah yes, 33 weeks… when you are nearing 30 pounds more than you have ever weighed in your life and the baby only weighs 4 of it!

I’ve gotten batches of maternity clothes from people.  Invariably, as I sort through all the nice reasonable-looking maternity items, there is one monstrosity.  There is THE garment of horror that makes you cringe because you instinctively know that this was used at the very end, past the point of all caring and decency.  When you are big and there’s no possible way you can get any bigger, but then you do.  You are huge and you have no choice but to put on this tent and to back it up with the enormous gaping stretchy denim bottoms that sumo wrestlers must wear outside the ring.

I think today was the beginning of the breakdown toward the ultimate lady sumo wrestler outfit.  Today I put on a big ol formless shapeless t shirt that billows around me.  Just so I don’t have to tug at the bottom of a shirt all day.

The baby will be here next month.   Three weeks ago I started calling around about birthing classes and found out they are all full!  The class meets weekly for six weeks, 2 hour sessions each.  I don’t think I need 12 hours of information about a natural process that has been occurring for hundreds of thousands of years, but I do want to feel like I know SOMETHING.  I think going in comfortably and confidently vs being full of fear and tension makes for two very different experiences from beginning to end.   The mind has a lot of power in this matter.   I’ve got some good books to read and maybe we’ll get some ‘how to’ videos off the internet or something!

Summer has been really good so far.  I’ve gotten in trips to Lake George, New Hampshire and Connecticutt.  I’ve already gone swimming in Lake Champlain one sunny hot evening.  I’ve had great meals and conversations with friends and family.  I begin to marvel at how Steve and I are suddenly in this whole new chapter in our lives and how it has already impacted my perspective, values, reactions and experiences.   I don’t think I have ever been so comfortable, in all the ways that a person can be comfortable.  This new place in our lives is going to be the best one yet.

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Jul 3rd 2009Everyday life & Uncategorized & pregnancy

Filming is set to begin soon for the latest movie, Tin Can.   These days when I look in the garage, I’m just in awe of how Steve and Logan, with help from friends, built this.   Feeling ill equipped to build anything and overwhelmed by the sheer size of the project, I have focused on being more of the emotional supporter and taking care of the house while Steve works on the ship.   While standing on the sidelines, I also harbored worries about the financial costs of time, energy and resources.  The countless hours Steve has put into the movie script and building the set is unbelievable.

The other night though I came in and watched Steve work on the UV shower and discovered that if he set me to a task, I could easily help out in some way.  Watching him at work, I realized how much this project has utilized his creative energy and many other talents to build something like this.

Seeing Steve take apart a computer monitor stand and become so excited about the possibilities within the spring loaded metal contraption that emerged, I realized how much he is in his element and how much I love seeing him in his element.  He is so much more fulfilled than he was just working his day job.   Unlike most of us, he has found a way to not sacrifice his creativity and passion to work.   This is worth more than a thousand translation jobs.

The spaceship is the other baby in the works right now and we are feeling the pressure that comes from working non-stop to get this done in time, to coordinate the filming schedule, to get the equipment ready, to organize the logistics of people, locations and props.  I can only hope fervently for everyone involved to understand what this is really about- teamwork, communication, community, creativity, magic-  and to be on the same wavelength.  I feel so protective of it and hope that others, besides the team that has been working on it from the beginning,  see how incredibly great it is going to be.

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Jun 1st 2009Everyday life & Family & Friends & Uncategorized

I had no idea that babies kick and squirm so much during pregnancy. I guess in observing any pregnant woman from the outside, her belly always looks like a static basketball. I thought kicking and punching was pretty sporadic, boy was I wrong. There is so much more fluidity and movement than I expected. I’m surprised that a little arm doesn’t bust out and start waving wildly. Sometimes it is especially incessant as if she is saying “Change your position so I can get comfortable!” “Bring me apple slices with peanut butter!”

The other night the kicking kept me up from about 3 am to 5am. So I lay there getting pummeled and randomly thinking about how nice a cold refreshing beverage of coke would be. And I thought the disrupted sleep wouldn’t happen until after birth!

Names continue to elude us. I want that perfect name, not too common but not so unusual that people don’t know how to pronounce or spell it. A name that intrigues because it is unique, but also a name that is down to earth. A name that isn’t too feminine, princessy, high maintenance or sorority girl. I bet I just sealed my fate by saying that. Regardless of her name, twenty years from now she be calling Daddy from college to ask if he will pay for her boob job. And Mom will have a cerebral hemorrhage.

She’s nearly a foot long! Like a sub. I feel the weight of it more, especially when walking uphill. The freakish 83 degree weather the other day was torturous. I discovered that the car’s air conditioning no longer works. So I drove for an hour in hot blowing air and it took forever to cool down after that, much longer than usual, and drained all my energy with it too. Baby is 15 pound insulation and growing all the time.

Steve and I had another snacks while you sleep moment in the other day. We were watching 30 Rock and Tina Fey was lying at home on a couch in a slanket, slicing and eating cheese. She says in singsong voice, while cutting a slice, “Working on my night cheese!” We were dying. Apparently it is the twist on some song, which I wouldn’t know, but it was still the funniest one liner I’ve ever seen on tv. I guess you had to be there!

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Apr 29th 2009Everyday life & pregnancy

I’ve been writing in this blog since March 2003 and just got my first fairly negative comment the other day! “Bo-ring” tells me that “finding out the sex is so unoriginal.” The other option, waiting until birth, isn’t particularly original either as people have been doing that for thousands and thousands of years. I’m forced to conclude that there must be some other original means of finding out. Waving a silver spoon over my belly perhaps. Consulting with the gods and visiting a medicine man. Better yet! have Steve look up there with a flashlight.

We have three strollers now, thanks to Craigslist. (All three in great condition for less than the price of one stroller brand new! Have I told you how much I love Craigslist?) How did that ever even happen? I knew I needed a regular umbrella stroller and a jogging stroller because I want to get back into running after the baby is born (I miss it, especially this time of year! I know, I know you saw Charlotte running while she was pregnant on Sex and the City: The movie so it must be ok.  I’m telling you, I feel weird and physically uncomfortable when I try to run while pregnant though.)

But wait, two strollers is not enough. Apparently there is this other contraption known as the car seat stroller which is especially handy during the first year. And if I get the JJ Cole Bundle Me for the winter months, which friends of ours told us is an absolute necessity, I’m not going to want to take the baby out of that to transfer to a regular stroller during the winter months… So it begins. We already need a bigger car, for both baby and dog, and it won’t be long before we need a bigger HOUSE. For all our strollers.

By the way, pink frilly stuff for girl babies is out of control. I. hate. it.

Spring break is this week. I have been getting caught up on paperwork at work and organizing closets at home. Not exactly girls gone wild but…

Will try to get a 23 week pic of me up soon.

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Apr 20th 2009Everyday life & Introspection & pregnancy

The weather this March has been amazing!  Usually March tends to be blustery and slushy and gross, but this time there are sunny, warm days.  I’m still a bit skeptical, Vermont spring likes to fake you out a few times before it is really here.

So I have been trying to think of what to write about other than the five inch human in my abdomen.  I’ll go with what has been bugging me lately.  I was really bothered the other day by the fact that a friend lied to us.  Not even about anything significant, just stupid, avoidance-type lies.  I recognize that I shouldn’t take it personally because he lies about stupid little stuff all the time. The thing that irks me the most is the fact that I KNEW he was lying but I just kept nodding and smiling and keeping up the social niceties. Really, the question that bothers me is WHY?

I feel like lies (all those silly white ones and big ones too) and pretense make up way too much of the fabric of social interaction.  People pretend, they wear masks, they cover up, they say things they don’t mean, they act all chummy with people they don’t even like.  People misunderstand things and make assumptions and misinterpret things others say and do, but no one directly confronts it.  No one dares to be honest and real.  They avoid confrontation and spare feelings.

People worry about sparing the feelings of others, but what drives them even more is sparing feelings altogether.  Anything other than social chatter and joking around is too threatening.  Not to say that anything is wrong with social chatter and joking around, I absolutely love it.  But then there’s the hypocrisy and the avoidance and the lies that seem to be required to maintain it.

This baffles and wounds me in ways that are hard to explain.  Maybe the exclusion that comes with hearing loss gives me a different angle on all of this, due to watching from sidelines. I spent too many years watching and wanting more than anything to be a part of it.  When I began to become part of it more (once no longer confined by the roar of hallways and cafeterias), I discovered the difference was very baffling and painful.  When it comes to socializing, appearance and reality are not the same.

I love to get down to the roots of perceptions and assumptions and reactions, making sense of where they came from and why.  Comparing and realizing the origins of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  Insight, healing and reconciliation.  Not this pretense and distance “everything is great!” b.s.  Yet, more often than not, I go along with the surface stuff.  I play along and keep the confusion and intuitions to myself.  If I want things to be more real, I should initiate it more.

Steve and I have a couple friends that we’ve actually started doing this with, it has been really cool and a fascinating process.  Even though we have all expressed our intention to do this, almost as an experiment of sorts, it is amazing what a hard habit it is to break.  The social niceties and the pretense.  Keeping internal reactions, confusion and surges of annoyance to one’s self.  Rationalizing and explaining away thoughts and feelings in one’s head without even checking with the other person.

With these friends we tend to go back and analyze what happened and share our reactions and compare perspectives (and it is incredible how often it leads to dramatic realizations about one’s blind spots, past trauma, negative or outdated beliefs, among other things).  We’re still trying to get to a point where we can do it right in the moment.  Where we can experience our feeling in the moment (sometimes that’s a tough one right there), then say directly  “Wait, what did you mean when you said that?”  and explain how we experienced it.  In this process, no one tries to cover up feelings, ignore them, state platitudes or make jokes so that it goes away.  In those moments, everyone can truly express and truly hear each other.

When this happen,  angry outbursts and emergence of hurt or negative feelings that are so feared and avoided in the regular social get togethers do not occur.  Instead there are revelations and genuine closeness, safety and trust.  There is deeper understanding and my perpetual state of turmoil in regular social situations goes away.  This is the way friendships should be.

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Mar 17th 2009Everyday life & Friends & Hearing loss & Introspection

This week the apple went to Boston to visit his/her uncle and aunt and got marshmallowed and toilet papered at a Blue Man performance.   Probably the only thing apple noticed was the crazy drumming and strobe lights.  Now four inches in length, apple can detect light and make a fist with the hand.

Last night I had a vivid dream that I had a son with dark brown eyes and sandy hair.  From certain angles, his face had a remarkable resemblance to my mother’s brother.   This dream really brought home the reality that there truly will be a person at the end of this process.   A person who will have parts of me.  Sometimes it is just so amazing that I feel like I can’t fully grasp it when I’m awake.

Between my family and Steve’s, the kid could look like absolutely anything.  There is every hair and eye color on both sides of our family.  One thing is probably certain, the head will be huge.   Not something this Mama is looking forward to, from a delivery perspective!

Our housemate, Felix, moved into his apartment today after five months with us.  The fact that he isn’t here anymore will be an adjustment!   It is back to just Steve and me…  for five more months.

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Mar 1st 2009Everyday life & pregnancy

We heard the baby’s heart beat today at the doctor’s!  150 beats per minute.  It took her a little while to find it and I was definitely nervous that she wouldn’t find it.

I can feel it collecting together and gathering strength like a dark, massive storm cloud:  the urge to clean and organize the house from top to bottom!   Most likely, this is how I will be spending my spring break.

I have the travel bug too.  I keep thinking of how intoxicating it felt when we left three months of winter behind and went to San Diego last year.  Walking around in sandals, the sun on my face, large exotic flowers blooming, ocean waves crashing… it was heaven.  However, not a good idea to deal with the expense and hassle of travel right now.  It is interesting to have both the nesting and the travel urges.

I think the urge to shop is also part of the nesting instinct.  Lately I feel drawn to going and getting stuff, when usually I only feel it about every 8 months or so, typically in the springtime.  However, shopping just for the sake of shopping, especially when you are being influenced by hormones, is dangerous territory!

So I need a purpose for shopping and when I think about it, I have no reason to shop right now.  There is nothing I need.  I’m only going to get bigger so I shouldn’t get anything in my current size.  It’s too early to get anything baby related, besides Steve and I are determined to pretty much get it all off Craig’s List and yard sales.  It doesn’t make sense to pay full price for kid’s clothes, toys and books when people often give them away by the truckload.  The kid won’t care.  The kid would be happy naked in a cardboard box with a string of Christmas lights.    As long as you are not a brainwashed consumer, having a kid really doesn’t have to cost you the earth.

So, shopping urge is thoroughly squelched before it can take root in this mind.  In fact, I want to throw stuff away.  Clean, organize, pare down.

Baby and your heart, keep on beating!

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Feb 2nd 2009Everyday life & pregnancy

Guess who wins…

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Jun 29th 2008Everyday life