The 8th Nerve

Do you get the Improvements catalog? This catalog is probably the root of all our country’s problems. Really. Just by flipping through the glossy pages, deeply ingrained assumptions are clear. Assumptions they have made about you, the American citizen who did not ask for this catalog to be mailed to you. If you have achieved what you are supposed to do as an American, it is a given that:

1) You are upper middle class with way too much money, and why not burn it making your life even more convenient than it is already? Buy those rubber treads for your outdoor steps! Get a big fancy shower organizer!

2) Suffering is: - getting chilly while you lounge on your outdoor patio!
- exposed ashes in your fireplace!
- no cover for your riding lawnmower!
- pet hair inside your SUV!
- having to use a snowblower on your sidewalk without a heavy duty cab with freeze-resistant super-clear vinyl windows!

3) You are white. Obviously. All the models having their problems solved are white. All the hands operating hose attachments and stocking handy organizers are white.

4) You celebrate Christmas. And you want to spend hundreds on wreathes, lawn decorations and stocking holders over your fireplace. And why not throw in a 7′8″ candy cane archway to “greet your guests with Christmas cheer”? Your guests, naturally, also celebrate Christmas.

I am going to continue to rebel against all that they hold dear at Improvements. I’m going to let my electrical cords show. I’m not going to sort my mail. I’m going to leave my shoes by the door in a big heap!

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Oct 25th 2005I Misheard When & Peeves & Uncategorized & making fun

- The sentence on my bucket of deck stainer stating that it contains mineral spirits KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA TO CAUSE CANCER. Is this some backhanded way of subliminally undermining the risk- as in “Don’t worry, you probably won’t get cancer… unless you live in California.” Or a subtle implication- “California doesn’t really know anything, so this can be taken as a semi-fact of no particular harm to you personally.” And deep down, you know that this particular phrasing worked. You stain the deck in bare feet and allow it to splash you, because ONLY CALIFORNIA knows that it causes cancer.

However, I do like the phrase “mineral spirits.”

- Going to get an anniversary card for your husband and finding a very sad selection of Anniversary cards. But there’s a whole section devoted to cards for “Sweetest Day” which is on October 15th. Card companies are just MAKING UP HOLIDAYS NOW. And what is worse than a day devoted to “Sweetest”? How is it different from Valentine’s Day, you Hallmark money gougers? I ended up using a Sweetest Day card for my Anniversary card, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

- Blockbuster video still acting like they are doing us such a big favor and acting like they did it because they CARE. No more late fees! Keep it as long as you want! when we all know that they only started doing that thanks to Netflix making a doody on their monopoly rip-off. Blockbuster didn’t WANT to and they were not REMOTELY happy about it. Somewhere, a Blockbuster executive couldn’t buy his 16 year old an SUV because of it.

- Couples who talk about their weddings in detail BEFORE there has been any kind of proposal. Even worse, when the girl knows that the proposal is coming soon but just isn’t “exactly sure when.” Or WORSE, they have shopped for the engagement ring together. Even worse than that, couples who actually started planning their wedding BEFORE there has been a proposal.

I do not know why that is obnoxious to me, considering that it probably demonstrates that both people are more involved in the proposal-decision process and some people prefer it that way. However it makes me picture some girl (or guy) nearly purring with contentment, like “I got this one in the BAG” instead of being absolutely surprised and delighted when the proposal happens. OR the couple is just so ahead of themselves that they can’t even let things evolve naturally and spontaneously without having discussed the future into total predictability. So irritating! For no reason! What’s it to me??

- I have depleted the supply of irritations off the top of my head. Time to go for a run.

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Sep 23rd 2005I Peeved When & making fun

“Place Van de Kamp’s frozen fish fillets in a single layer evenly distributed on a 4-sided baking pan.”

Crap, all I have is my triangular, five-dimensional baking pan! Does it HAVE to be 4-sided?

The car is packed up. I’m heading up to Morgan for the annual birthday bike ride, then to the cabin. See you in a week.

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Aug 12th 2005Pictures & making fun

My work is so automatic and memorized that my body moves on automatic pilot and my fingers fly over the keyboard on their own. As a result, I usually spend the shift thinking about all kinds of things. Sometimes heavy thinking, though I have to be careful because I can, depending on my mood, easily think myself into self-loathing. Othertimes, light thinking. Lately I have been entertaining myself by thinking of what would make a good Saturday Night Live skit.

For example- let’s say that there’s this guy, average guy with wife and kids, looks a bit like a football player or a Marine. Let’s say he dies unexpectedly and goes to heaven. He is greeted in heaven by angels who tell him that his life must be reviewed before they decide what happens next. The guy is a bit nervous, and is not sure what scenes from his life they’ll be looking at to decide his fate. One angel gets up, perhaps with a heavenly remote control in his hand, and says solemnly “We will now observe all the scenes from your life when you looked most gay.”

The camera closes in on the guy’s horrified expression. The heterosexual male’s worse fear! Something he had worked so hard to never do! Scenes flash on the wall, perhaps to some gay song. There he is, drinking with his pinkie finger sticking out! There he is, eating with a male friend at a candlelit restaurant! There he is, skipping and clapping his hands!

Ok, how about this, here’s another idea. This would be an ongoing skit, same premise in different situations. Some guy, played by Adam Sandler or someone, has an irritating habit of doing the same thing every time at inopportune moments. How about this, he’s at a business meeting and the boss is irritated with the company’s performance. He glowers at the co-workers and demands to see improvement and asks for feedback. Adam Sandler takes his hand and uses it to fold his chin so that it has a crease down the middle. He looks around and announces “I have a chin-gina!” “The Chin-gina” is what those skits will be called.

C’mon, it would be funny.

Steve’s car is dying, and he is sad. I am determined that we should become a One Car household, at least for a year or two. Steve works at home and I will be the only one commuting. It saves money and is good for the environment, blah blah. Sometimes Steve says in a little voice “But I want a truck” and I give him the Wifely Stare of Death. It will be an adjustment, though, having “my” car become “our” car.

I know what you’re thinking. Go ahead, try it. See if you can make a chin-gina.

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Jun 22nd 2005making fun

A group of meteorologists are huddled around a computer, pointing at the swirls of bright moving colors.

Man: Yep, it’s a hurricane alright.

Woman: Moving into the Gulf.

The group turns and looks expectantly at a young man seated at a table in the back of the room.

Woman: Well?

The young man leans back in the chair, deep in thought. He studies the ceiling and drums his fingers on the table. Then he nods and looks at the group.

Young Man: …Arlene.

The group nods approvingly. Someone pats him of the back.

Man: You think of the best names.

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Jun 10th 2005making fun

A new crop of plants and flowers have emerged in my yard in the past week. My three favorites:

Watch out for this purple thug..

The last one looks like graceful birds gossiping.

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Jun 8th 2005Pictures & making fun