The 8th Nerve

I just have three.

-When people express surprise that I heard something. How did YOU hear that? You HEARD that? You heard me?? Yes. I hear nearly all sounds (with hearing aids in). I hear people’s voices. Understanding what they are saying is another matter altogether. Sometimes I understand the garble and sometimes I don’t.

-People who can never let themselves (AND directly or indirectly, me and everyone around them) ever forget that I have a hearing loss. Admittedly, this is rare. Most people forget or they just incorporate it into a general picture of me as a person. But there are some people who see my hearing loss FIRST, or just mostly my hearing loss. They are always accommodating, always worrying, always prepping themselves or others in advance, trying to talk and be just right. I believe their conscious motivations are usually good and that they are really trying to be helpful.  Unconsciously, however, they belabor my loss as an inferiority, a weakness that is important to keep in the forefront of everyone’s awareness. Their unconscious motivations are another matter and I don’t trust it for a second.

-People who start nearly yelling or use the “kindergarten teacher voice” if I ask them to repeat themselves again. It makes all the blood in my body drain away in mortification. This one hasn’t happened in a long time.

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Dec 14th 2007Hearing loss & Peeves

Today is precisely why the studded snow tires are still on my car.

Remember when I wrote that entry about how every cell in the body is new after seven years? Physiological changes right? Apparently my body decided to demonstrate the significant physiological development within, the hormonal surges and upheavals of a new place in life, by the amount of pimples I have to deal with on a regular basis. Ever since I turned 28, the number of pimples has gone up significantly. Like serious significance, STATISTICAL significance.

After an insane outbreak where I looked like the “Before” photo for Proactiv, I decided that I would do whatever it took. That this was WAR. I had to do research on the internet, I had to strategize with makeup, I had to change my pillowcase on a regular basis, get special soap, get a special prescription from the doctor, order special 4-step facial cleanser crap that takes extra time to apply at morning and night. It’s a ridiculous pain but it works. So I have estimated approximately how much time I spend dealing with this:

You’re cutting into my play time, bitches.

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Apr 4th 2006Peeves

Do you get the Improvements catalog? This catalog is probably the root of all our country’s problems. Really. Just by flipping through the glossy pages, deeply ingrained assumptions are clear. Assumptions they have made about you, the American citizen who did not ask for this catalog to be mailed to you. If you have achieved what you are supposed to do as an American, it is a given that:

1) You are upper middle class with way too much money, and why not burn it making your life even more convenient than it is already? Buy those rubber treads for your outdoor steps! Get a big fancy shower organizer!

2) Suffering is: - getting chilly while you lounge on your outdoor patio!
- exposed ashes in your fireplace!
- no cover for your riding lawnmower!
- pet hair inside your SUV!
- having to use a snowblower on your sidewalk without a heavy duty cab with freeze-resistant super-clear vinyl windows!

3) You are white. Obviously. All the models having their problems solved are white. All the hands operating hose attachments and stocking handy organizers are white.

4) You celebrate Christmas. And you want to spend hundreds on wreathes, lawn decorations and stocking holders over your fireplace. And why not throw in a 7′8″ candy cane archway to “greet your guests with Christmas cheer”? Your guests, naturally, also celebrate Christmas.

I am going to continue to rebel against all that they hold dear at Improvements. I’m going to let my electrical cords show. I’m not going to sort my mail. I’m going to leave my shoes by the door in a big heap!

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Oct 25th 2005I Misheard When & Peeves & Uncategorized & making fun